Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Gloria was replying, "God don't I know how that feels, I was on these vitamins that were supposed to help keep the pounds off and my moodswings just went crazy, I went into this, like, monster phase that I couldn't control!"
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Michael Medrasco said, "Yeah, I knew some people might think it was silly."
Taryn said, "How could you put something like that? I mean, 'Love makes people sweep the streets?'"
"It was just what I was thinking at the time, I was telling people that apathy makes you just lie there on the couch eating chips and fumbling your remote or your game control, and Love makes you wanna get out there and change the world."
"Then why didn't you just say 'change the world' - you said love makes you wanna sweep the streets! What kind of stupid idea is that?"
"It was a visual - something to illustrate the point!"
Taryn said, "Well, if you're going to keep putting crap like that on Facebook, I think you're going to have to unfriend me."
Michael held up his BlackBerry. "Don't worry. Just did."
Friday, August 26, 2011
I asked America, hey
why did you
let your bankers
play with our cash like it was monopolymoney
and stuff us so deep into a recession that
the rest of the world imploded with us?
And America told me, shut up
go back to watching Breaking Bad.
I asked America, hey
why do you get so mad about
health care for the poor and the children
and immigrants that you have fights in
town halls where people are biting off fingers?
And America told me, shut up
and go back to watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey.
I asked America, hey
why do you let big business buy
and sell and trade your senators on the
open market, like they were tarts who
will open their legs for some caviar and wine?
And America told me, shut up
and go back to watching American Dad.
I asked America, hey,
why are you sending your military
over to deserts for more than ten years,
doing nothing but exploding the last of our
standing, and draining every single dollar
this country has, putting us in a hole we'll
never get out of?
America told me, shut up,
and go back to watching Weeds.
I asked America, hey
why are you making your citizens
after tapping their phones
in direct violation of the Constitution of the
United States of America,
America told me, shut up,
and start watching your back.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Lori: It got a lot better the second day. She was really nervous. High school, you know - ninth grade.
Amy: Can't even imagine, I've still got three more years before the boys start Jr High, I can't even imagine how nervous she is starting high school.
Lori: Yeah, she's a little upset with us. She says that everyone there has an iPhone and we just let her have that one that Verizon gave us.
Amy: Kids these days! Gotta have their stuff!
Lori: Yeah. I told Jon to stop by Best Buy on the way home from work tonight and pick one up for her.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Abigail: You're waking up to the irony that gorging ourselves on everything is never going to make us feel full.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Verble continues, "Man, I thought she was hot, but it turns out, that lady is ON FIRE!"
Monday, August 22, 2011
Jan: Oh, yeah, the one who torched his house in Oklahoma?
Shannon: What'd he do?
Corrinne: Oh, man it was terrible! He was on trial for raping his 8-year-old daughter, and he two days before he was supposed to be in court, he set fire to his house and left the state.
Jan: He'd actually had a mistrial the first time. This was the second trial. Apparently he didn't wanna go.
Hillary: State troopers kept passing up and down last night, all last night, shining their spotlights on the fields.
Jan: Huh, they won't find him if he's hiding in there.
Shannon: Oh my god! I mean, is he still around?
Jan: What I heard they were looking for him out by Clearview Creek.
Corinne: Ah! KKK!
Jan: Well, they can't come out and SAY that, but you know that's where they hang out.
Corinne: Sometimes you can see their fires through the trees.
Corinne: Nah! Campfires. It's really nothing more than a old guys' country club these days.
Jan: Still, that's what they're thinking he came down here for. The meeting.
Hillary: So you're saying that a guy who raped his daughter and set fire to his house would actually cross over three states just to attend a KKK meeting?
Corinne: Sometimes it seems like they just make stuff up these days.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
The Onion breaks the story: VISA ran the largest credit card scam in history! The story is embedded in this Onion's edition of Week in Review, but I've typed the transcript here:
The FBI has successfully executed a raid on the Visa Corporation, exposing what could be the largest credit card scam in history.
According to authorities, the Visa syndicate for years fooled millions of Americans by issuing convincing looking credit cards carefully designed to dupe consumers into
spending far more money than they had.
Investigators believe the fraudulent corporation also lured victims in with enticing rewards programs and free gifts, thereby trapping them in a spiral of debt they could never hope to repay.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
You see, dear reader, Herman represents The Dying: those who can not defend themselves against this world that is marching ever so onward toward the cliff whose precipice, once breached, will leave behind us every single last shred of decency we have as a nation, a country, in fact, as a human race.
Right now, Herman is thinking of Maria Sanchez. In February of this year, six months ago now, this 24 year old woman with a banana size tumor on her spine was admitted to the John Sealy Hospital in Galveston, Texas. The tumor was described as not malignant, but potentially life-threatening; however, it had cut off the use of her right hand and she was beginning to lose the use of her legs. Neither Maria Sanchez nor her husband had health insurance; they would not be able to pay the medical bills. Because of this, and this is the distinction, dear reader, so pay attention, because of this inability to pay, the hospital inquired as to her legal status and whether she had documents to prove that she had a legal right to be in the United States. Because she could not provide them, a doctor went to her room and told her in Spanish that she must leave the hospital immediately and that she should have the surgery in Mexico.
The important point is that the hospital did not care about her status; they only cared about her inability to pay, and it is this point that was lost in the ensuing rhetoric that lasted for the usual handful of days: the calamatous uproar about whether illegal immigrants should have access to medical care.
You can envision (if you have not yet heard this story) the great emotional debate, with the people who profess to be Christians (but really who worship Satan) saying that illegals have no right to OUR medical care because this is OUR country and THEY are criminals just for crossing a border. For the opposing view, we had the same tired arguments about decency and respect for all human life, kindness, mercy, all those qualities which are true and which follow the commandments of our Lord Jesus Christ, but which, frankly, ring hollow on deaf ears, because the human race is now immune to such emotional appeals. Let's face the fact: nobody really any longer gives a damn.
Because if we did, we would have made sure that hospital was shut down. Right now. We as a people would have made sure that every employee was dismissed, starting with the CEO and the Chairperson of the Board and going through every single employee down to the very last janitor or cafeteria attendant. Then, decent caring individuals who believe in the sanctity of life and in the dignity of the medical profession would be in there right now, re-staffing the hospital with like-minded health care professionals (and yes, they would probably re-hire those with no culpability in this torrid mess - so your innocent janitors and blameless cafeteria staff would be re-hired. They might even be given raises!).
However, today the John Sealy Hospital is still going strong, and I am quite certain that the professionals who work there still perform their tasks as they always have done, the students still learn their trade, the technicians still run their equipment, the administrators still have headaches and drink heavily, and the rich fat men who run the place still have great gobs of cash deposited into their personal coffers while they lounge around the country club and make business deals with their buddies.
But nobody, nobody, knows just where Maria Sanchez is today.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Saturday, August 13, 2011
i dunno i think it has something to do with the touchpad thingy, like, something about when ur typin i think the grease from your thumb like activates it or something, i think like i googled that somewhere
no man, lissen it can indicate a real bad virus that, like, everybody's got it, so really there ain't nothing you can really do
no no, dude, seriously you can, i mean i just checked this answer chat blather and they say there are fixes out there, free downloads, dude, like, here's the link . . .
Friday, August 12, 2011
Sylvie: Heard they was makin a movie about those miners what got trapped down there in Chile last year:
Huge: Da's about a year too late. I expected 'em to havvit out by last Christmas. Who's gonna wanna see it now? Das' like - las' year, n'all.
Josiah: Yah, roight. B'sides, what movie I'd rather see is that one you KNOW they're gonna make about the Norwegian psycho killer. I can jus' see it. A kid, down on the ground, peekin out from under 'is hoodie, combat boots walkin toward him slowly, crunchin on the tiny rocks (behind him some pine trees of the mainland in the distance, y'know, across the fjord, so close you could touch, but so too far t'swimmit!) and then the feet stop, right in front of 'im. He's list'nin to his own breath - then - BANG! Black screen - movie title pops up! "Coming soon to a theatre near you!"
Huge: That sounds brilliant! Now I'd go t'see that!
Sylvie: Technically, he's not a psycho killer. He's a mass murderer. There is a difference, both what in reasoning and methodology.
Josia: Aw, Sylvie, don't go all specifics on us, now! People just want to see blood, carnage, and death! Nuffin' more!
Sylvie: Not the Chilean coal miners movie. That'un will be about life, and redemption, and hope, and salvation.
Huge: Like I said - BOR-ing!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Bob: Standard and Poors downgraded the US.
Billy: Like they had planned to all along.
Joe: But that those thick-headed dipwads in Washington said they were trying to avoid.
Jim: Debt ceiling.
Bob: For weeks upon weeks, and weeks after that. That's all they said, "We gots to reach ourselves a deal, American people! Or they's goan DOWNGRADE the US! Oh, lawdy mama, that can't be allowed to happen!"
Billy: Each and every one of 'em. Preaching fire and brimstone.
Joe: Doom and gloom.
Jim: And then the ratings agency goes and does it anyways.
Bob: Only two possible conclusions.
Billy: Our leaders are stupid.
Joe: Or liars.
Jim: Third option . . .
Bob: They're both.
Billy: On both sides of the aisle.
Joe: Our elected officials only have one true skill, you know. Only one true talent, only one field of expertise. They are experts at only one thing, and one thing only, and they know absolutely zero, nil, null, nicht, nein, nada about anything else.
Jim: And that is?
Bob: Getting elected. Beyond that one skill, they are worthless at everything else.
It may seem Sad-u-cee
and not quite Phar-i-see,
that Jesus died for me,
but now He lives in me;
now can you see the
Monday, August 8, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Take a look at this man. This is the face of evil. And this is the reflection of all Americans if we don't stand up and DRAG our politicians out of the deep pockets of Big Business like the Private-Prison industry.
There? 'Nuff said?
In the Bureau, all lost objects are categorized according to type, size, relative value, level of sentimentality, and dimension (current fixed point in space/time). Oh yes, they are also cross-referenced by what fruit or vegetable they closely resemble, but not for any particular reason.
The Bureau of Lost Objects contains such items as rings, pencils, pens, cellphones, keys, credit cards, snowshoes, banners, headlights, toy frogs, stuffed bears, checkbooks, memories, USB drives, old photographs, lost loves, books, iPads, heroism, virginity, speakers, helmets, soccerballs, Wal-Mart receipts (for items never to be returned or exchanged, as they are lost as well), objectivity, clarity, game cartridges, memory cards, passkeys, any number of thumb-thick toys from various vending machines, lottery tickets, train tickets, plane tickets, parking tickets, symphony tickets (yes, even those left at Will Call), youth, beauty, newspapers, reports, hardcopies of the PowerPoint presentation you made for your boss, transistors, remote controls, slippers, underwear (after having that one last shot that you probably shouldn't have, knowwaddImean?), self-respect, respect for others, decency, screwdrivers, piledrivers (if you're in construction), Hummers (if you're in the mililtary), spoons, stones, birth certificates, drivers licenses, pajamas, that one particular bra that you know he likes, jars, dog collars, windowblinds, senses of direction, Christmas tree ornaments, and senses of purpose . . .
just to name a few.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Verble is standing at the counter, talking to Tom Canada (pronounced ca-NAH-duh), the manager of the next door pawn shop, called SHR.
"You were right, Tom," says Verble, "NPR has lost it. Completely lost it."
"I've known that for years," says Tom, "Ever since that one day back in '96 when the reporter said 'I have no words to describe it' - completely ignoring the fact that THAT'S HIS JOB - to have words for things!"
"Well, I'm finally on board - check this out - their lackluster, lackadaisical, and absolutely LACKING IN SUBSTANCE response to my tirade against the completely obnoxious panelists on Intelligence Squared last Sunday night. Their response just shows the total tepid attitude that they have toward their work, and their audience."
Response to Message #336346:
Thank you for contacting NPR.
We appreciate you sharing your concerns with us. We strive to offer the highest quality of news and information available. Listener feedback helps us to accomplish this goal.
We welcome both criticism and praise, and your thoughts will be taken into consideration.
Thank you for listening, and for your continued support of public broadcasting. For the latest news and information, visit NPR.org.
Original Message: I have been an NPR listener for 35 years and this is the first time that I have written to you; however, I feel something must be said regarding last night's Intelligence Squared show. This is the first time that I have heard the program, so please forgive my ignorance of the format, and if this is not the normal level of intellectual debate, but what I heard was farcical. The subject of illegal immigration was approached by all the panelists with nothing more than the same tired topical agendas with the usual emotional hot-button emotional appeals, i.e. "for the American people" "make us stronger" "the American dream" - please! Your listeners can hear the same drivel daily on Fox News. NPR should be held to a higher standard.
One point worth noting is that when the subject of indefinite detention was broached, the topic was controlled by the pro-detentioners who banged home the point that if the US did NOT hold these detainees, they would escape and continue to "commit crimes and steal jobs" (see the "hot-button"?) Notwithstanding that NPR, last year, BROKE the story that the harshest immigration law (in Arizona) was written in large part by the largest private-prison firm in the US. The logical conclusion reached is that the private prison industry guides our immigration policy for no other reason than to make money, not for ideals, not for dreams, not for security, only for money. To present a show that does not contain panelists astute or knowledgeable or ethical enough to engage in deepers issues such as this demeans the entire purpose of National Public Radio, which frankly is the only source in American media that strives to a higher standard.
Not to belabor the point, I certainly hope that was a throw away episode of this series, and not indicate of a general decline in NPR quality.
Thank you for reading this.
To reply to this e-mail, please click on the link below. Thank you.
"So," says Verble, "Whaddaya think?"
"Maybe," Tom says, "their audience is no longer people who actually think, but perhaps are now the faceless masses who want to be led."
"You mean, Fox News viewers?"
"That, or they just know if they don't go to the side of the Conservative Right, their funding will be cut and they won't have ANY radio to produce."
Friday, August 5, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
This year, there is a raging idealogical debate on how to make our country solvent: whether we should cut benefits or raise taxes. There are three words that would give us enough money for decades to come . . . STOP - THE - WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you want to get out of debt, cut up your credit cards.
People who don't want other people to have access to birth control are mean. Plain mean.
Whenever a politician uses the words, "The American People" - substitute "Big Corporations" or even "Special Interests." The "American People" do not factor into any political equation - ever.
If the "American people" want to change government, then voting in every single election - including local elections, MUST have at least 75% turnout. Every single election. Then will the people have a shot at being truly represented.
The fault is not the goverment. It is ours.
Why are you so surprised that a tabloid did something horrible? Isn't that what you pay them for?
ANY TIME that a politician uses the word "entitlement," they are subtly leading you to see that your 89 year old grandmother who can barely walk and barely see, who sits in front of the tv all day long not understand half the shows that come on, who lives on a social security check that barely covers her 17 different daily medications for high blood pressure, diabetes, and Parkinson's, (among others) - that this lady is somehow the cause for the trillion dollar deficit of the ENTIRE COUNTRY. - oh yeah, they're also likening your grandmother to that 400-lb crack whore with 8 babies that she pumped out just so she can collect a welfare check.
Needless to say, this last kind of double-speak is somehow the most heinous of all.