Overread at Table 1: When the Pastor Tells Us We Need to Cut Back on Our Screen Time

 

When the Paster Tells Us We Need to Cut Back on Our Screen Time

(October 2026)

 

My sister has a brain tumor.

The doctors gave her two years.

She’s now going on five.

 

My employee emailed the Director.

She said that I hurt her feelings

when I asked her to adhere

to the company mandated hours.

 

My husband told me last week

that he loves me deeply,

but he doesn’t find me sexually attractive.

He said it as gently as he could,

in that sweet, calm voice of his

that makes me want to bash in his teeth

with my mother’s cast iron skillet.

 

My adult daughters don’t call anymore,

not since they got married.

A mutual on Twitter

(I will never call it “X”)

told me that they will start calling

once they start having babies.

They’ll need grandma for babysitting

while they go out for mimosas with their

girlfriends.

 

My youngest son, still living at home,

takes only 3 hours of College classes a semester.

I don’t even know what he’s studying.

He only comes out of his room

fifteen minutes each day, to heat up

some Hot Pockets and return to his

gaming.

 

And my feed,

my God,

my feed tells me of women being raped

at Cornell,

murdered in mass graves in South Africa,

a botched execution of a woman

who killed her rival

who was putting the moves on her boyfriend,

a woman in a wheelchair

after killing her babies,

and my phone tells me that I used it

1 hour and 14 minutes longer than the previous week,

and my pastor said that we touch our phones

at least 100 times per day,

and another article says that we spend

four to five hours per day

on social media.

 

And still they wonder why

women are always so angry.

 

Some mornings, I awake,

and for the briefest instant,

I am fifteen years old, and the day is

bright and filled with friends to hang out

with at the mall after school, and we’ll

have pizza and ice cream

and we’ll laugh and talk about boys

and stupid teachers and dimwitted parents

and whatever movie is playing that week.

 

Then, I’ll turn in the bed, see

your hamhock shoulder, you

snoring like a bear, and I will again

be

all that I am now,

and all that I am now

will have an overwhelming urge,

to run out the room,

out the front door,

down the street,

naked but for the nightgown

with print of reindeer and sheep

shouting HAPPY SLEEP-MAS!

and I will scream

and scream

and scream

and never ever stop

 

screaming.

[note: thought of this just before going to sleep last night and I was thankful to have remembered it almost word for word upon awakening this morning.  So many times I totally forget what I had written in my head the previous night.  Going to add this to Anomaly, assigning it # 83]

Overheard at Table 3: Alopecia

Wife: Went to the doctor today.

Husband: How did it go?

Wife: She says I have alopecia.

Husband: Alopecia?  Who is she?

Overheard at Table 4: Sneaky Freaks

"You're a freaky sneak!"

"Correction: I'm a sneaky freak."

"What's the difference?"

"The noun is a state of being. The adjective is a personality type."

Overhead at Table 4: Wife Asks Husband a Question

Have you ever cheated on me?

No.

Are you sure?

Do erotic dreams about Salma Hayek count?

Yes.

Well, shit.

Overheard at Table 3: A Group of Witches

H: What is a group of witches called?

M: A PTA?

H: No, a coven.

M: Oh.

Overheard at Booth 4: What I Said During Menopause

Wife: I can't be held responsible for anything I say during menopause.

Husband: But you've been menopausal since the COVID year.

Wife: Or even before.

Husband: I'm not really comfortable with this.

Wife: Oh!  Well, I am so glad that YOU aren't comfortable!  Nice that it's all about YOUR feelings.

Husband: Shit.  Walked right into that one.

[photo by Mike Sutter]

Overheard at Table 3: Riding High Center

One thing about extremists, at least they're not stuck in the middle.

Yeah, but they often get stuck in a rut.

True, true.

Overheard at Table 2: Sparrow Remembers Her Grandpa

Sparrow had fond memories of Grandpa.

"I remember one time, I was maybe 14,15, and I was staying at their house, and I asked Grandpa if he had any pain reliever, and he went into the bathroom and looked in the cupboard and he would always do funny things, like he wouldn't say Acetaminophen or Ibuprofen, he said, 'We've got I See the Medicine and we've got I Be Profane.  Which one you want?'"

And I said, "I actually need some My Doll."

And he said, "Aw, your Grandma hasn't needed any of that for about ten years."

And Grandma yells from the kitchen, "She doesn't care to know that, Owen!"

.

.

.

#vss365 

#prompt

#Sparrow

Overheard at Table 3: Get that Cheese I Liked That One Time

 

Wife: When you go to the grocery store, get me some of that cheese i like. Me: What cheese is that? W: The one i liked that one time! M: There are literally hundreds of cheeses! W: If you loved me, you'd know. M *straining memory banks* Wedge? BellaVitano? Tomato Basil? W: Was that so hard?

Overheard at Table 3: Two Technicians Talking

One Technician: So what is your suggestion - that we all quit?

Second Technician: I'm not saying that.  I'm just saying don't let them make you waste your time and effort on something that's never gonna work out.

Overheard at Table 1: The Man She Married

Today my wife told me that she wanted back the man that she had married.  She meant the man I was when we got married.  That man, she said, was funny and kind and caring and sweet and was always very tender and never got angry and was always mellow and completely in control of everything.

I thought about that man.  My wife is right.  He was a great guy.   Late 20s, still had all his hair, was relatively in shape (no middle aged spread, no arthritis, no back problems).   That guy hadn't yet lost his parents, his grandparents, his wife's parents.

That guy still hadn't gone through raising three kids, one of whom stopped speaking to him 15 years ago.   He hadn't moved states, been though downsizing and layoffs, been fired, been told he was unqualified for a position he'd been working for seven years.  He hadn't faced major emergency room visits for his wife who nearly died from a rupturing gall bladder.  He hadn't yet had to drive four hours to rescue his daughter from a violent roommate.  

That guy hadn't yet had to watch his savings dwindle to repair his house that the insurance wouldn't cover, never had cars die, been stranded, helpless, apart from his kids in hurricanes, hadn't yet reached his fifties and still wondering if he will ever have enough money to retire.

So my first thought after wondering about that great, wonderful, guy, was "That guy didn't fucking survive three decades of this thing called LIFE!"  

But that would have been mean.   So, I just told my wife, "He's still here.  He's still me.  I'll do better."

And she said, "You've been saying that for over 25 years."

Overheard at Table 3: Marriage in Your Fifties

My wife last night, from the other room, out of the blue, just said, "My breasts hurt"

I said, "I'll rub them for you."

She said, "No thank you."

And I thought, 'Well, that about sums up your Fifties!'

Overheard at Booth 4: A Mossy Tree

"I really don't believe men when they say they want a sexy woman, or a woman who is hot.  I mean, men aren't really that discerning - men will stick their dicks into a hole in a TREE, for fugssake!"

"Well ... not if the hole is all dried dead wood.  It's gonna have to be at least a little mossy."

"EW!  You are completely disgusting!"

Overheard at Table 2: Neighbor's Parties

My neighbor was partying and playing loud music until 2am last night.  I couldn't sleep.  But I remembered what we'd learned in church about doing good to the people who annoy you ... so I stayed awake and at 7am, I started mowing his yard.  Even used the leaf blower.

Overheard at Booth 2: Darker Than Now

"Current events, man, world's on fire and it doesn't look like it's gonna get any better."

"Just look at current events like I do, like a giant comedy routine"

"Yeah but nothing's funny!"

"It is if you don't give a shit how it all turns out."

"That's pretty dark, dude."

"No darker than current events."

"Fair point."

 

Overheard at Booth 3: Temples

Do you hear how the Satanic Temple is putting all their statues in schools and in City Halls all around the country?

I think that's being a bit overblown.

No it's not. There's all these TikTok videos on Instagram about it.  Satan is winning!

No, he's not.  He's already been defeated.  We know that.  You know that.

Well, then why is everybody letting this happen.

I blame us Christians..

How can you blame us?  Our faith?

When you don't present your case as clearly and accurately as possible, you shouldn't be upset when someone else comes along presenting something that's more attractive and seemingly fulfilling.

Overheard at Table 2: Writin' Poems and Whuppin' Ass

 "I came here to write poems and whoop ass!"

"So, how's that working out for ya?" "Well, I'm a wussie, so I'm just writin' poems." "Hate to tell ya, but your poems suck, too." "Well, shit."

Overheard at Table 4: Two Neighbors

Wife: That neighbor is a real stuck-up bitch?

Husband: Which neighbor?

Wife: The one you confessed was "kinda cute."

Husband: Oh.  What about the one I said was "ugly as a box of rocks"?

Wife: She's all right, I guess ... unless she starts chatting you up.

Husband: I see how it is.

Overheard at Table 2: Types a Bishes

"So ... are you vicious bishes, or just suspicious bishes?"

"We're delicious bishes!"

"My favorite kind!"

Overheard at Table 4: Marriage Games "Where to Eat Tonight"

Of all the marriage games I love to play, my favorite HAS to be "Where do you want to eat tonight?"

It goes like this, let my wife and I demonstrate

Me: Where to you want to eat tonight?

Wife: You choose.

Me: Ha!  I'm not falling for that trap again, where do YOU want to eat tonight?

Wife: I am SO TIRED of your indecisiveness!  Make a choice!

Me: Ok, fine, let's go get Bar-B-Que

Wife: Ew, no!  That's too heavy for dinner.

Me: Steaks, then.

Wife: Also heavy red meat!

Me: Mexican?

Wife: I had Mexican for lunch.

Me: Italian?

Wife: I want to cut back on pasta.

Me: Thai?

Wife: Too spicy.

Me: Chinese.

Wife: Too boring.

Me: Korean?

Wife: Too expensive.

Me: Japanese.

Wife: We had that on Sunday.

Me: Indian, then.

Wife: You always complain that it burns your mouth.

Me: I'm just going to go home and make a sandwich.

Wife: Let's have Mediterranean.

Me: Ok, then, good choice!

Wife: Finally!  I have to do EVerything!