Overheard at Booth 2: Serving in the Church

C: Why did you tell Becky we're back.

M: I didn't.

C: How did she know, then?

M: I don't know how she knows.  She's the pastor's wife, maybe she's got some sort of special Holy Spirit tracking device or something.

C: Don't give people dates of our trips.  We just got back and I just want to decompress and I need to clean my car and go get groceries this weekend and Kaci's just moved into her new apartment and she wants us to come see it and I need to get the stuff to continue renovating the kitchen and Becky's wanting me to help set up for the church's 5th anniversary.

M: Just tell her you can't.

C: I can't do that!  Don't you know how that'll LOOK?!  That's why I told you not to tell them when we were getting back from vacation.

M: Again ... I didn't tell them,

C: Well, if you'd just told them we'd be gone until October, I wouldn't have to be roped into this thing at church.

...

Later that morning, when M opened up the daily Bible devotional on his phone, the verse of the day:

"Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, 'Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?  Then said I, 'Here am I; send me.'"  - Isaiah 6:8

Overheard at Booth 4: You Never Give Me Your Culture, You Only Give Me Your Funny 'Pressions

H: You guys never raised me to really respect my Latino culture.

M: What do you mean?  You ARE Latino!

H: Not culturally.  Like, you never spoke Spanish to me ...

M: I tried!  From kindergarten you never wanted to speak Spanish.  You only wanted to speak English.

H: But you never tried!  You're gonna let some five year old stop you from instilling culture.  All my other friends, they speak their parents native languages with them, and they also have big family gatherings with them.  Latinos are supposed to have big family gatherings.  We never had that!

P: Maybe 'cuz we live in Houston and the rest of the family lives in Tulsa, Vancouver, Chicago, and El Salvador?

H: You guys know what I mean! 

M: I cooked for you every day of your life.  That's culture.

H: But you never learned how to make PUPUSAS!

M:  And you think every Salvadoran woman needs to make pupusas?  I didn't raise you to be machista, mijo!

H: But it just would have been nice.

P: And there's more to Salvadoran food than just pupusas.  There's chilaquilas, sopa de res ...

M: Sopa de pollo, platanos con frijoles for breakfast.

H: Look, I just think you guys should have gotten me closer to my roots, OK?  Especially you, Mom, I can't expect Dad to give me any culture.  All White people do at family gatherings is talk about the weather and football.  But Latinos get together and talk about ... I dunno!  That's because we never had it.  We only ever had White People Culture, which is NO culture.

P: Listen son, White People have Culture.  We have the Culture of "If you don't like living here, there's the door ... and don't let it hitcha where the good Lord splitcha!"

Overheard at Booth 3: MonkeyPox

Wife: What do you know about Monkeypox?

Husband: New virus, has a vaccine but no one wants to take it (thanks to all the misinfo over the past few years), not strictly an STD but is transmitted by close intimate contact, skin to skin.  You and I should be OK, because we're only intimate with each other.

Wife: Yeah ... well, about that...

Overheard at Booth 4: Intersectionality

"Mom, what does intersectionality mean?"

"It means you get to choose from among several different cultural traumas."

Overheard at Table 2: The Boring Conversationalist

God, my wife just ripped me a new one today.  Says I don't shower right, I don't put on body lotion right, called me stupid for not seeing that the bottle was empty, which is why she had it tilted over on its side sot that we can get the remaining out of it.  Then she went on some rant about how she wants to go out with her friends more because all we ever talk about is work and I don't have anything interesting to say.

What a great pick-me-up!  Whee!  So glad I'm not a suicidal depressive or anything!

Overheard at Booth 3: Intervention

 Remember, one person's "intervention" is another person's "ambush.

Overheard at Table 3: Tae-Kwonderoga

Tae Kwonderoga

"Over by the Dollar Store there is a Tae-Kwon-Do studio that had its front window smashed out and it was boarded up with plywood, and my first thought was, 'Boy, that Round House Kick must've really got away from little Jimmy!'"

Overheard at Table 3: Keep Your Eyes on Me

Her: Keep your eyes on me.

Him: What?

Her: Don't be checking out other women.

Him: I don't.

Her: Mm hmm

Him: What are you talking about?

Her: That's why I always want you in front of me in the grocery stores, so I can make sure your eyes are not wandering.

Him: Are you feeling OK?  I don't check out other women.

Her: All men check out other women.

Him: Not this man. I only have eyes for you!

Her: That's what they all say.

Him: Seriously, babe, I'm 52.  I'm not in a "check-out chicks" time of my life.

Her: Men of all ages check out chicks.

Him: Look, I'm telling you: I've got a degenerative disc, arthritis in both hands, hacking cough allergy attacks, a crick in my neck that hasn't gone away in months ... I just do not have the physical energy or stamina to check out other women.

Her: ... that's what they all say.

Overheard at Table 1: Sasha the Diva

Sasha is such a diva.  She will go to her empty bowl and just start licking it, clinking her collar against the sides ... like she's saying, "Ohhhh, look a mee, I'm eating AIR!"

Well, maybe you should feed her more often.

Oh my LORD this is just after she's been fed!  She's already huge.  She's just being a little princess, that's all.

 

 

Overheard at Table 3: Running at Lunch

Hey do you want to start running with me at lunch?

Better not.

Why not?

Cuz we work so well together.  We laugh all day and it really makes work fun.  We start running and we'll be on those jogging trails in the woods by the stream and it'll be all nice and then you'll fall and twist your ankle and then I'll help you up and then we'll start kissing and before you know it we'll have ripped each other's clothes off.

Damn!  I was just thinking about getting in shape.

Go to the gym with your wife after work.

 

 

Overheard at Booth 3: What I Need

... we've been together how long now? 20 years now?  Married for 17 of those years?  And you still haven't learned that I have a tough job with a bitchy boss who's giving me shit every single day and then I come home and you're all frenetic with 'hey listened to what I heard on the radio and AH!  AH!' and I need you to be calm, you're never calm, you KNOW I have a hyperactive system and the man that I need is the exact opposite of you, because I need a man who's centered and calm and you're not that and you're not the man that I need.

... but I love you anyway and everything else about you is great.

Overheard at Table 2: My Doula

- When my ex-wife was expecting our child, she wanted a doula.  I told her to get one named "Oblongata" so that she could refer to her as "My Doula Oblongata"

- I can see why she divorced you

Overheard at Booth 3: Music to Write

You don't get it.  You just don't get it.  I have music in my head.  I've got stories to write.

I get it, I get it, you don't want to help around the house.  But I work just as hard as you and I can't keep up with the sweeping, the cleaning, the cooking, the laundry, while you go off and play your guitar.

That's the point: I don't PLAY MY FUCKING GUITAR!

Keep your voice down!

I - don't - play - my - guitar.  I don't write.  I don't to anything except help around the house.

Oh so that's it.  You don't want to help.

That's not what I said.  All I'm saying is that if I could just have an hour, just an hour, a day.

And you don't think I don't want an hour a day to myself?  You don't think I'd just like to relax in a hot bubble bath, drink a glass of wine and just relax?

YOU CAN!   DO IT!

No, because I have to clean the house or it'll never get done!

But I help you clean the house all the time!

And you do such a shitty job that I have to go behind you and redo it!

Then let me play guitar!  GOD!

Overheard at Table 4: Christian Counseling

So Gary and I are in Christian counseling, because honestly I just can't take his shit any more and I just want him gone.  But yeah, sure I agreed to go.  For the sake of the kids, and all that yadda yadda ...

and the counselor's sitting there and he's wanting us to walk through what separation would be like and he asks, "So if Gary were to move out, where do you think he should go?" and honestly all I could think of to say was "Hell is the first thing that comes to mind."

Overheard at Booth 3: What We Did with Our Lives

"I kid you not, one day when we're gone and standin' at the pearly gates, St Peter gonna ask us, 'What did you do with your lives?' and all we really gonna be able to say is, 'Well, we argued with strangers on social media all day ev'ry day!"

Overheard at Table 4: Followers

1: I always seem to be losing followers on Twitter.

2: Maybe it's because you're an opinionated asshole.

1: I thought that was called being an "influencer."

2: Yes.  You are influencing people to unfollow you.

Overheard at Booth 2: Grey Cats

Wife: I had a dream last night that we were having sex, and it was deLICIous!

Husband: Nice!

Wife: It was so good.  At least, I think it was you.

Husband: What?

Wife: Well, I couldn't see your face.

Husband: But you couldn't tell it was ME?

Wife: Oh, honey, you guys like to think you're all different, but you all really do pretty much the same thing.

Husband: I can't believe this.

Wife: All cats are grey in the dark, isn't that the saying?

Husband: Yes, but that's about ... oh.

Overheard at Table 4: Love Yourself

 ... everyone is always telling me to "love myself" - I DO love myself.  It's just that sometimes I end up cheating on myself.

Overheard at Table 1: The Waters of Other Things

She could never understand why he wanted to stay home.

Reading.

All he wanted to do was read.

So boring.

She had to get out. Do something.

Go shopping.

Go see a movie.

Go to a museum.

Go antiquing.

SOMETHING!

But books, all he wanted to do was read.

Even when he went with her, she drove, and he just stared out the window.

What was he thinking?

Finally she asked, "What are you thinking?"

"All my stories that I have drowned in the river of these waters of 'other things'," he replied.

And she still did not understand what he was talking about, but they pulled into the parking lot of the home goods store and they went inside to buy some throw pillows and a summer wreath for the front door.

Overheard at Booth 3: Morning Drive

I wouldn't say I'm manic or unstable or anything, but some days I'm driving to work on the highway and I'm like "'Here's a finger for you' and 'here's one for YOU' and 'here's TWO for you, ya prick!'" and other days I'm waving out the window like, "'Hi guys!  How y'all doin'? Lookin great today! Wasssssupppp!"