Bureau of Lost Objects

There is a Bureau of Lost Objects, located somewhere down a street whose name we have forgotten. The Bureau is open all hours of every day, but occasionally closes with when sun is particularly bright on a soft spring day, as those who work at the Bureau enjoy taking long strolls after picnic lunches around the small lake that horseshoes the park situated close by the Bureau of Lost Objects.

In the Bureau, all lost objects are categorized according to type, size, relative value, level of sentimentality, and dimension (current fixed point in space/time). Oh yes, they are also cross-referenced by what fruit or vegetable they closely resemble, but not for any particular reason.

The Bureau of Lost Objects contains such items as rings, pencils, pens, cellphones, keys, credit cards, snowshoes, banners, headlights, toy frogs, stuffed bears, checkbooks, memories, USB drives, old photographs, lost loves, books, iPads, heroism, virginity, speakers, helmets, soccerballs, Wal-Mart receipts (for items never to be returned or exchanged, as they are lost as well), objectivity, clarity, game cartridges, memory cards, passkeys, any number of thumb-thick toys from various vending machines, lottery tickets, train tickets, plane tickets, parking tickets, symphony tickets (yes, even those left at Will Call), youth, beauty, newspapers, reports, hardcopies of the PowerPoint presentation you made for your boss, transistors, remote controls, slippers, underwear (after having that one last shot that you probably shouldn't have, knowwaddImean?), self-respect, respect for others, decency, screwdrivers, piledrivers (if you're in construction), Hummers (if you're in the mililtary), spoons, stones, birth certificates, drivers licenses, pajamas, that one particular bra that you know he likes, jars, dog collars, windowblinds, senses of direction, Christmas tree ornaments, and senses of purpose . . .


just to name a few.

Overheard at the Counter: NPR - Intelligence diminished

Verble is standing at the counter, talking to Tom Canada (pronounced ca-NAH-duh), the manager of the next door pawn shop, called SHR.

"You were right, Tom," says Verble, "NPR has lost it. Completely lost it."

"I've known that for years," says Tom, "Ever since that one day back in '96 when the reporter said 'I have no words to describe it' - completely ignoring the fact that THAT'S HIS JOB - to have words for things!"

"Well, I'm finally on board - check this out - their lackluster, lackadaisical, and absolutely LACKING IN SUBSTANCE response to my tirade against the completely obnoxious panelists on Intelligence Squared last Sunday night. Their response just shows the total tepid attitude that they have toward their work, and their audience."




Response to Message #336346:
Dear Verble,
Thank you for contacting NPR.

We appreciate you sharing your concerns with us. We strive to offer the highest quality of news and information available. Listener feedback helps us to accomplish this goal.

We welcome both criticism and praise, and your thoughts will be taken into consideration.

Thank you for listening, and for your continued support of public broadcasting. For the latest news and information, visit NPR.org.


Sincerely,
NPR Services
www.npr.org
_________________________________________________

Original Message: I have been an NPR listener for 35 years and this is the first time that I have written to you; however, I feel something must be said regarding last night's Intelligence Squared show. This is the first time that I have heard the program, so please forgive my ignorance of the format, and if this is not the normal level of intellectual debate, but what I heard was farcical. The subject of illegal immigration was approached by all the panelists with nothing more than the same tired topical agendas with the usual emotional hot-button emotional appeals, i.e. "for the American people" "make us stronger" "the American dream" - please! Your listeners can hear the same drivel daily on Fox News. NPR should be held to a higher standard.

One point worth noting is that when the subject of indefinite detention was broached, the topic was controlled by the pro-detentioners who banged home the point that if the US did NOT hold these detainees, they would escape and continue to "commit crimes and steal jobs" (see the "hot-button"?) Notwithstanding that NPR, last year, BROKE the story that the harshest immigration law (in Arizona) was written in large part by the largest private-prison firm in the US. The logical conclusion reached is that the private prison industry guides our immigration policy for no other reason than to make money, not for ideals, not for dreams, not for security, only for money. To present a show that does not contain panelists astute or knowledgeable or ethical enough to engage in deepers issues such as this demeans the entire purpose of National Public Radio, which frankly is the only source in American media that strives to a higher standard.

Not to belabor the point, I certainly hope that was a throw away episode of this series, and not indicate of a general decline in NPR quality.

Thank you for reading this.

To reply to this e-mail, please click on the link below. Thank you.

http://help.npr.org/npr/consumer/clarify.asp?incidentID=%7B9438fcfe-abf2-45ce-a341-62e9879c67d2%7D

"So," says Verble, "Whaddaya think?"

"Maybe," Tom says, "their audience is no longer people who actually think, but perhaps are now the faceless masses who want to be led."

"You mean, Fox News viewers?"

"That, or they just know if they don't go to the side of the Conservative Right, their funding will be cut and they won't have ANY radio to produce."

Overheard at Booth 2: Quirky Guys

Husband: Your sister's moving back to Topeka, she just called me right before I got here.

Wife: So she decided to go back home? I knew she would. She moved here too fast, too soon.

Husband: Yeah, she also said something about how realizing that she really missed some guy that she's known forever but never really gave a second thought. Apparently he was going over the house regularly, taking care of her lawn.

Wife: Hm. She never told us about this guy.

Husband: Well, funny thing is, she said she was discussing it with Heather, and she was telling her that she never gave the guy serious consideration, because he was a little quirky, and apparently Heather said, "Well, it worked for Aunt Sofia."

Wife: They were saying you're quirky?!

Husband: Apparently so - but she told me all the sisters agree that you turned out the happiest, so she said she's gonna go for it and try to start dating the quirky guy.

Wife: The quirky guy . . . dang.

Husband: Yup! Let's hear it for the quirky guys!

Overheard at Table 5: 2 Misused Bible Verses

I've been thinking for a long time about this, and it's finally coalesced in my brain, how to say what I've been feeling, because frankly, I've always been uncomfortable with two Bible verses in particular:

2 Chronicles 7:14

Philippians 4:13

"I've heard of those - those are two of the more popular."

Yes, exactly. And why are they popular?

"Because of the exhortation, I suppose."

But like I said, these make me uncomfortable, it's as though they seem wrong, somehow.

"Now that's getting to sound like blasphemy. Be careful, there."

It's not blasphemy to ask for understanding, for admitting you don't know. Listen, 2 Chronicles 7:14 'If my people will humble themselves and pray and turn from their wicked ways, then I will heal their land.'

"A bit shortened, but essentially it, yes."

Why are the Christians using it to beat up the liberals and the gays and the tree-huggers?

"Well, I don't think it's the Christians - it's a certain segment of the Conservative Movement. what they claim to be trying to do is to bring a little morality back to America, in order to avoid certain descent into moral entropy and a corresponding economic doom."

Yeah, but why does it feel so wrong? I mean, the way it's being bandied about, it certainly doesn't sound anything like the love of God.

"It's because they're using it wrong. They haven't really looked at the phrase in context. In context, this was just after Solomon built the temple and had danced and celebrated and had praised God and done everything God wanted him to do, and then he talks to God and God says, 'Yeah sure, that's great - but it's not the stuff you build for me that I care about, what I care about is that the people don't just SAY they love me, but SHOW they love me with their actions.' Essentially, you can built all the megachurches you want, shout Jesus is Lord from the top of the Empire State Building, wear all the crosses and WWJD bracelets you can carry, you can tattoo a crucifix on your arm and you can even double your tithe and build a hospital and name it after a saint, but if you are not humble, and if you do not seek in intimate relationship with God through communication and prayer, and if you don't address your deep rooted, internal sins, then God will never hear your prayer."

So, God is talking to us individually in that phrase, and not about America as a country?

"You're right. There are those type of people out there who are trying to blame the gays and teenage girls for the death of America, and they use this passage to say, 'Hey! Since you had an abortion, the Midwest is having record drought!' It's a simplistic statement, I know, but it summarizes their attitude adequately. It's the MISUSE of the verse that you object to, not the verse itself."

Thank God!

"About the other one 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me' - that's a bit easier. Remember, every single word in the Bible is inspired by God. Every one. If you hear a phrase from God that doesn't seem right it means only one of two things: either you are sinning and don't want to change from your sin, or the person saying it is using the Word of God for their personal gain. This Philippians verse is a prime example, because people use it like it's some sort of incantation that will give them superhuman strength. While it's not up to me to change any word in the Bible, I've always thought that people have latched on to it because it has 'I' and 'me' at the beginning and the end, with 'Christ' sandwiched in the middle. With our self-aggrandizing society, perhaps it would be better for us to say, 'Christ will do all things through me according to the will of Christ.' While I know that Christ wants to be the center of our lives (as is reflected in this verse), maybe it would be better for the Americans to remind themselves that Christ is the beginning and the end, and we are just sandwiched into HIS creation, not us being so magnanimous as to allow Him to work for us."

Dang, Verble, that's a lot to take in.

"Sit for awhile, then, contemplate. Have another cup of joe."

Free refills?

"From the Alpha to the Omega."

Overheard at Table 4: New Co-worker

1: Working with a new guy this week. Funny guy. He's from Peru or somewhere, his last name's Pable' but his nickname's Inca. Inca Pable'.

2: So how's he working out?

1: Not so good. He's pretty much useless.

Overheard at the Counter: Uncomfortable Truths

Things Americans refuse to hear:


This year, there is a raging idealogical debate on how to make our country solvent: whether we should cut benefits or raise taxes. There are three words that would give us enough money for decades to come . . . STOP - THE - WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



If you want to get out of debt, cut up your credit cards.


People who don't want other people to have access to birth control are mean. Plain mean.


Whenever a politician uses the words, "The American People" - substitute "Big Corporations" or even "Special Interests." The "American People" do not factor into any political equation - ever.


If the "American people" want to change government, then voting in every single election - including local elections, MUST have at least 75% turnout. Every single election. Then will the people have a shot at being truly represented.


The fault is not the goverment. It is ours.



Why are you so surprised that a tabloid did something horrible? Isn't that what you pay them for?



ANY TIME that a politician uses the word "entitlement," they are subtly leading you to see that your 89 year old grandmother who can barely walk and barely see, who sits in front of the tv all day long not understand half the shows that come on, who lives on a social security check that barely covers her 17 different daily medications for high blood pressure, diabetes, and Parkinson's, (among others) - that this lady is somehow the cause for the trillion dollar deficit of the ENTIRE COUNTRY. - oh yeah, they're also likening your grandmother to that 400-lb crack whore with 8 babies that she pumped out just so she can collect a welfare check.

Needless to say, this last kind of double-speak is somehow the most heinous of all.

Overheard at Booth 1

not to put too fine a point on it, but I would dare to say that we can never truly call ourselves a Christian nation so long as the majority of us still look at pictures of this:

and ignore pictures of this: