Saturday, May 8, 2021

Overheard at Table 2: Mad Dog vs Fitness Center Muzak

The music was there, still there, even at midnight.  Fkn midnight.  Mad Dog reached for his phone and looked up the number of the Fitness Center located just behind his house.

A bored voice answered the phone and began the drone, "Thanks for calling Lifeti-"

"Turn off the music, nipple twister," Mad Dog growled.

"Uh ... whut?"

"Put down the bong, swipe-righter, and turn down that godawful music that you have playing out by the pool.  Why do you have music blaring by the pool after midnight anyway? No one swims at midnight and those who do certainly don't wanna be serenaded by first decade pop."

"Uh... I don't think I can do that," said the bored voice.

"Better be a good reason why your earlobes shouldn't be torn off your head."

"Well ... cuz I can't.  I don't know how and the manager's not here.  Maybe you should call back at 7 ..."

Mad Dog through the phone against the wall.  Then, he rolled out of bed and pulled on his pajamas.

His wife said, "A donde vas, mi amor?"

"Gonna go mess up some m'effers."

"Ay, papi, don't be like that.  Come back to bed and get some sleep."

"Can't.  Damn Lifetime Fitness center keeps playing Ed Sheeran.  Ed.  fkn.  Sheeran."

"Let it go."

"I hate Ed Sheeran."

"Don't go killing nobody over Ed Sheeran."

"Why I ever let you make me promise to stop killin', I'll never know."

"You come back here, papi chulo, and I'll show you."

God I love that woman, Mad Dog thought as he walked out the back door and across the lawn.


Sheldon loved his job.  It was quiet at this time.  Only a few people on the treadmills at 2am, and he got to hang out and binge on YouTube and Amazon Prime videos all night long.   

But tonight was different.  He heard a crash from outside in the pool area.  At first he thought he might have just been hearing things, but then he heard another.

He almost didn't want to go out there, but hey, he guessed it WAS his job.

The door slid open and there was some guy out there, tipping the speakers into the pool.  Two were already at the bottom of the pool.  Then, there went the third, with a huge SPLASH and some sparks shooting out the back, and then the guy, wearing nothing but pajama bottoms, moved to the fourth and last one.

"Hey I don't think you can do that," Sheldon said, weakly.

"Obviously I can, rectal swab, because I did and am."  The fourth speaker tumbled into the pool.   "Nice!" said Mad Dog.  "Belly flop."

"But that's like, damaging company property," Sheldon said.

"I call it saving your life, pimple popper, because either that music ends or YOU do."

Sheldon looked into Mad Dog's eyes.  There was nothing there that indicated the little guy was joking.  At all.

"But what am I gonna tell the managers?"

"Well, you've got 'til 7 to think of the right words, but I'd just tell 'em to turn off the fkn music after 10pm.  Some people gotta sleep around here."

"Uh, OK," Sheldon said, and as he watched Mad Dog walk off into the dark, he started thinking maybe he'd be better off just staying at home and mining Bitcoin.

No comments:

Post a Comment