Wednesday, July 27, 2016

2017 Donald Trump State of the Union Address

Read a tweet today form someone asking if we could picture Donald Trump giving a State of the Union address.  Well, I can imagine it and here is what I think it might sound like:

(let me know if you think I'm way far off or if I've hit the nail on the head!)


Donald Trump’s State of the Union Address 2017

First, I want to thank Scott Baio and Omarosa for opening up this speech for me.  Great guy, really great guy, and Omarosa, too, great lady!  Let’s thank both of them again.  Look I know, I know, you guys usually have a president who just comes on and bores you forever with a bunch of facts about the “state” of the union, but folks, listen . . . you just need to know one simple thing.  The State of the Union is just going to get better.  And better.  And better.  And better. Until we are all saying, “How much better can it get?  I mean, we’re doing so GREAT NOW!”

And that’s what we’re going to be saying.  But right now, look, I’ve only been in this job for a few weeks, OK and already I see what the problems are.  Look folks, this is huge. I mean huge.  We’ve got a lot of problems.  A lot of problems.  And they’re not my problems. I didn’t make them.  But I know the system.  I’ve been in the system.  The system is broken and I’m the only one to fix it, OK?  And it will be fixed, believe me.  The system is not working for a lot of folks, a lot of good folks.  It’s working for the nasty guys, the really nasty guys, and these nasty guys are the guys who want to ship jobs overseas, OK?  They’re shipping jobs overseas.  To Mexico.  Where all the rapists are.  Well not all the rapists, because the rapists are coming here, but that’ll change because we’ll have the wall built by the end of the year, OK?   So here’s the deal we’re going to make with Mexico.  Mexico will pay for the wall.  They will absolutely pay for the wall.  They’re going to send us cash.  They’re gonna throw it over the wall.  In big bags, or something, I dunno.  But they’re gonna pay, OK?  Believe me.

But before they do, you see, they gotta, they gotta be told they have to pay.  And they can’t pay, they can’t get the big bags by the end of this year, when we gotta have the wall built.  So I need Congress, you see, to put up the money up front to build the wall.  And it’ll be a big wall, a beautiful wall, OK? With lots of bricks, the best bricks, well, cement, but you see, since we put up the wall, and here’s the deal, because I make deals, the best deals.  Mexico will pay us what we put in plus 10%, for every day they don’t send those bags of money over. 

And some people have asked, “Donald, what if they don’t throw bags of money over the wall?” and I say, “OK. Sure.  Fine.  Remittances.  We’ll stop remittances.”  The Mexicans, and the other Hispanics, I think they like to be called Central Americans, I dunno.  Something like that.  OK. So, they send billions of dollars each year, like, 34 billion, that’s what someone told me anyway.   We sto those, and there you have it.  Paid for the wall.  It’s done.  Let’s move on.

NAFTA.  Done.  Dead. Over.  Today.  No more NAFTA.  NAFTA’s gone.   NATO too.  As of this moment, we don’t pay another dime to NATO until all the other nations in NATO have matched us dollar-for-dollar what we’ve put in all these years, because let me tellya folks, the other nations, they haven’t been sending their best.  Dollar for dollar.  Not their best.  So, NATO’s gone.  Over.  Final.  OK?

Supreme Court.  The Supreme Court can’t go on with eight justices, we’ve got to get it back to 9, or even 10.  11 would be better, but we’ll start with 9.  My friends, my good friends, at the Heritage Foundation, they gave me a list.  A list of good judges.  Some great guys.  Really great guys.  Smart guys.  They know the law, believe me.  They know the law.  So I’m going to have Mike Pence send the names to Congress tomorrow and you guys choose one.  Just choose one.  Or two or three if you think they’ll get the job done and make some really good deals.  I want a Supreme Court that makes really good deals, because folks, the Supreme Court hasn’t been making very good deals.   I mean, they need to make better deals.  These guys will do that.

Next thing I’m gonna do is get rid of the EPA.  EPA, you’re fired!  You’re FAY-UHHHHDDDD!   Not good for business.  Nasty guys.  Bunch a nasty guys.  They don’t like business.  Bad for business.  Now, done.  Gone.  Fih-NEE-TOH!!   Bye bye!  Bye Bye!

OK, glad we’re having fun.  Are we having fun?  This is a great time.  A great time!  I think we should do this state of the union thing more often!  Like maybe once a year, how about that?  Once a year sound good to you?  OK.

Last thing for this state of the union – look folks, we’re in bad shape.  I mean bad shape.  I said it on the campaign trail and it’s true now that I just took office, we’re in bad shape.  I mean crime in the streets.  People killing our priests in France.   ISIS blowing up our gay Latinos in Orlando.  Syrians shooting our cops in Dallas, I mean, it’s horrible!  Horrible.  So here’s what I’m gonna do.  Every card carrying member of the NRA is now deputized into their local police force!  How’s that for a deal?  That’s a good deal, isn’t it?  Now we have plenty more cops on the force.  We now have 2 million more cops today than we did yesterday!  And guess what?  Whoever joins the NRA, as long as you don’t have a criminal record – you gotta be a good guy, not a bad guy! – whoever joins the NRA gets the same deal.   Joining the NRA gets you deputized into the police force where you live.  How’s THAT for community policing?  Pretty good huh!  Crime just ended today, folks, believe me!

And because I’m tough on crime – and I mean I’m tough.  I’m really, really tough, I want to let my fellow Americans know that right now, at this moment, Wayne LaPierre has sent some of his top guys, I mean his top notch guys, to the Clinton house, where they are right now kicking in the door and dragging Crooked Hillary out by her hair!  Believe me, Crooked Hillary is going to see justice at the point of a gun or the limb of a tree.  And that’s just for starters!  That’s right!  That’s right – we’re going to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN FOLKS, BELIEVE ME!!

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Overread at Table 1: Kitten High

Lyrics to a new song, forthcoming from the Americana duo, S and M:

(Don’t Get the) Kitten High

You can smoke a joint
Or you can huff a bong
You can blaze a session
All night long

You can call it “wasted”
Or you can call it “fried”
But whatever you call it,
Don’t get the kitten high.

Don’t get the kitten high, my dear
Don’t get the kitten high,
It’s a sad sad thing to do,
To get the kitten high.

You can chug a mug of beer
Or shoot tequila shots
You can slam back vodka
Till your brains just turn to rot

Blaze through Gray’s Anatomy
While sipping rum and coke
But getting kittens high, my dear,
That really is no joke.

Don’t get the kitten high, my dear
Don’t get the kitten high,
It’s a mad mad thing to do,
To get the kitten high.

On the Marrakesh Express
You ride the midnight coaches
Be always sure to never forget

But while tripping through dreamland
Where life is just a sigh,
No matter what your visions are
Don’t get the kitten high

Don’t get the kitten high, my dear
Don’t get the kitten high,
It’s a bad bad thing to do,
To get the kitten high.

‘Cuz kittens are innocent!
They’re light and fluffy and playful,
And it’s really a shame to see them stumbling around
Just because you and your dopehead ignorant idiot moron
Stinkwad useless sacks of dimebags think it’s a cool idea.

But it’s not.


Don’t get the kitten high, my dear
Don’t get the kitten high,
It’s a bad bad thing to do,
To get the kitten high.

MR 2016-0726

Monday, July 25, 2016

Overread at the Counter: A Fragment of a Ballad

MR, the Z&T Acoustic CafĂ©'s Poet-in-Residence, has been listening to a lot of old English and Scottish Ballads lately (he has found his copy of Francis Child's Ballads - Volume 5, I believe) and he left this scribbling on the back of a napkin on the counter.  The barista found it after he had left to go to his afternoon job, and instead of tossing it in the waste bin she gave it to me to keep for posterity.  One day it might actually be worth its weight in gold!  (all .000003 ounces!)

The gloom lies over the glen this night
The moon hides behind a veil of grey
The fog rests deep and quiet guides the way

Through the gloom of the glen this night.

MR 2016-0725

Overheard at Booth 3: "We just can't..."

Christian Lady 1: ... we just can't take in all those people.

Christian Lady 2: You're right.  It'd be nice if we could take in all those kids and help them, but he's right.  We have to take care of our own people first.

Christian Lady 1: Right.  America first.  Because if we don't take care of ourselves we won't have a country for anybody at all.

Christian Lady 2: Right.  Hey, did you get that invite for Bridget's shower?

Christian Lady 1: Sure did.  That's next month on the 20th, right?

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Overheard at Table 1: One or the Other-er

Lucky Moran: Doesn't really seem like we've got any good choice this year.

Otis Redwing: Like a choice between Dumb and Dumber.

Lucky: Or Crooked and Crookeder.

Otis: What really gets me is how the comb-over has completely lowered the educational level of public speaking.

Lucky: Like to a playground level?

Otis: Sandbox.  Sandbox level.

Lucky: Like where my cat buries his poop.

Otis: Exactly.

Monday, July 4, 2016

Overheard at Booth 2: Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation (2015)

Maybe I shouldn't have watched this just after having watched Spectre, bu twe certainly have the parallels of the secret agent getting old - which mimics the real life story of these franchises, and perhaps even the genre itself.  Are they still relevant in the days of ultimate information gathering and drone strikes?  Are they truly relics from a Cold War mindset?

And yes there is the idea of "How do we sell this to the youth market and make money? Oh yeah!  Explosions!"

For me, I've seen enough explosions.  To me, car chases and things blowing up is just to fill time so I can get back to the story.  So for this story, I have to say that Rogue Nation had more of a tight plot than Spectre.  This one stayed on point.  The Rogue Nation was supposed to me the Impossible Missions Force of Her Majesty's Service, but like true Brexiters, they broke off and went all "maverick-y" and basically this bad guy's wanting to take over the world, but he's starting by trying to get to all the secret billions of dollars that the British government secreted away to fund the group before they canned the group.   In other words, it's a practical first step for a rogue spy/terror organization.  That was nice.

Then you have the sexy secret agent, very nicely acted.  Not just a woman who can handle herself in a fight (even better than Tom Cruise as Ethan Hunt), but also smart and savvy.  A little too ethically convicted to be an effective double agent, but whatcha gonna do?

I do appreciate the several times in which Ethan Hunt's antics and the successes of Impossible Missions Force were considered more to be sheer luck than actual talent or ingenuity.  That played out well and was a nice touch to bring Ethan Hunt down to earth.  In most of Cruise's movies he's always played some sort of Superman without a cape.  Now that we can start to see some lines on his face it's good to see him start trying to bring some actual frailty into his characters.

All in all, a very nice couple of hours spent.  Not the greatest, but well done.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

Overheard at Table 3: Spectre (2015)

I just finished watching Spectre and my first thought is "what the hell just happened here?"
No it wasn't that the plot was confusing.  If anything, the simplicity of it was galling.
Bond villains are supposed to be as cool as Bond himself, and they're supposed to be hell bent on taking over the world.  This one is, but he's also taking the time to drill into Bond's skull, telling the blond Frenchie Bond girl "If I hit the right spot he won't remember you."

Heck!  He just met the girl!  Schtupped her once in a train car after they just had been smashed around the dining car by the traditional Heavy Hitter Hitman.  (This one's trademark, by the way, is a set of steel thumbnails - don't let him get those bad boys near your eye sockets - just warning ya!)

And THEN the bad guy turns out to be James Bond's adoptive brother?  Who hates Jimmy because Daddy found the young Bond and took him under his wing and taught him how to ski?  So basically we're to believe that THIS particular evil villain is really just some sissy with daddy issues?  For REAL?   With a - what - 220 million dollar budget, THIS is the best they could come up with?

Hel-en A. Hand-basket!  What utter tripe.  You know, I could handle Skyfall with the whole "my childhood was traumatized so I became Batman - er - I mean - 007" but this is one step too far.

What's in line for next movie?  The girl he stood up for prom wants to start a nuclear war and wipe out the entire human population?   Well, a female Evil Villain does kinda sound like an interesting idea, but if they make her some girl he shunned as a teenager, well I'll probably just rip out my hair and puke into my popcorn.

Summary -
Action scenes: Good - really good.  Not great.  Really good.
Dialogue: cheesy.
Cinematography: A little too heavy on the greenscreen, but many time it looks like the 60s & 70s Bond film work, which kinda gives it that nostalgic feel.
Characters: bland bland bland bland and - oh yeah - did I forget?  BLAND.
I kid you not, the best character in this entire film was the car that Bond used in a chase scene in Rome.  Poor car ended up at the bottom of the Tiber, probably thanking God that it was released from having to work another minute in this turkey!


Friday, July 1, 2016

Overheard at Table 3: Colorado Killer

"I heard that some guy walked into his wife's work in Colorado and shot her then shot himself.  Going through a divorce."

"That's horrible."

"No fooling.  I gotta say, I just don't understand all these killings.  Especially a guy and his ex-wife.  I mean, I went through a divorce.  Totally sucked.  I mean, that woman sucked me dry.  It got nasty.  She was filing for more money like every other week it seemed like.  But never - NEVER - did I want to hurt her."


"Well, OK, I did pray that she would break down and call me crying and say that she was wrong about everything and that is was all her fault and stop asking for more money and beg my forgiveness, just so I could laugh and say GO TO HELL BITCH! - yeah, I had that fantasy, sure.   But actually ever HURTING her?  No.  Absolutely not!"

"Seems like some guys aren't as emotionally stable as you."