Overheard at Booth 1: Cancelled Canciones vs Stevie Nicks

Cancelled Canciones: Sorry, Stevie, but you're cancelled!

Stevie Nicks: Why?

CC: "Gypsy" is a slur!

SN: You can't cancel me.

CC: Why not?

SN: I'm an actual witch with an enigmatic sexuality except for one famous relationship with a bandmate in the 70s.

CC: Fair enough.  You're not cancelled.  But just stick to singing "Landslide" and "Gold Dust Woman"

#CancelCulture

#CancelledCanciones

Overheard at Table 4: Cancelled Canciones vs April Wine

Cancelled Canciones: April Wine, you're cancelled?

April Wine: Why?

CC: For "Sign of the Gypsy Queen" - "Gypsy" is a slur!

AW: You can't cancel us!  We're Canadian.

CC: What does that have to do with anything?

AW: It's harder for Canadians to break into US markets, plus we have a reputation for being SUPER-polite.  It would hurt our feelings deeply.

CC: Well, you're still WHITE Canadians, so it applies.

AW: Aw take off, eh!

#CancelledCanciones

#CancelCulture

Overheard at Table 1: Cancelled Canciones vs Santana

Cancelled Canciones: Santana, you are cancelled?

Santana: Why?

CC: Because of your song "Gypsy Queen"

Santana: It's actually called "Black Magic Woman"

CC: They're the same song, separated by a slash mark.

Santana: You can't cancel us anyway, we're Latino and African slash Afro-descent.

CC: Not that white guy, Gregg Rolie. We'll at least cancel him.

Santana: OK by me.  No me cae bien ese cabrón anyways.

#CancelledCanciones

#CancelCulture

Overheard at Table 3: Boyfriends and Magazines

Hey, how is the boyfriend of Lil Nas X like a 1950s Playboy Magazine?

Uhhh... they both come in a plain brown wrapper?

Yup.  They both come in a plain brown rapper

Overheard at Table 1: They on a Cruise

Scene: a Cruise Liner - on deck.  A man is standing by the railing and sees a woman suddenly fall overboard into the water.

Man: Oh my GOD!  Woman overboard!  Someone throw her a life preserver.

Another Person: How do you know it's a "her"?

Yet Another Person: Absolutely!  You should use "they" if they have not told your their gender.

And Yet One More Person:  You should be ashamed of yourself, presuming someone's identity like that!

Man: Holy shit, it doesn't matter!  She's ... I mean, THEY ... are drowning.  Quick, grab that life preserver.

    [goes to where the preserver is]

AP: Wait.  How do you know they WANT to be saved?

YAP: True!  Are you doing something against their will?

Man: I just saw her fall!

AYOMP: You just saw THEY fall.

YAP: Wouldn't that be "You just saw THEM fall"?

AYOMP: You know, I'm not really sure.

AP: THEM is still the direct object, THEY is the pronoun.

YAP: Just doesn't sound quite right though.

AP: You need to shake off the last vestiges of your Colonizer mentality, and just let grammar FLOWWWWWW...

Man: For Fuck's sake just THROW THE LIFE PRESERVER AND LET THEY/THEM DECIDE IF THEY/THEM WANT TO BE SAVED OR NOT!

YAP: The Cis-male has a good point.

   [They throw the life preserver overboard]

Man [looking over the railing, shakes his head]: Never mind.  They drowned.

    [Man walks off, looking for the nearest bar]

AP [to YAP]: How do you know he's Cis? Did he TELL you he's Cis?

AYOMP: You mean "Did THEY tell you ..."

[scene ends]

Overheard at Table 3: Probing the Proctologist

SCENE

INTERNAL.  NIGHT.  Man in bed, asleep.

Suddenly, light floods the room.  Man awakes, puts his arm over his eyes, just as he begins to levitate off the bed.

CUT. EXTRERIOR.  House.  Column of light rises from the house to a flying saucer in the sky.  Man rises slowly up the column of light.

CUT. INTERIOR. SPACE SHIP.  Man is brought in, turned over, strapped down to a table.

A probe extends from the ceiling.  Shadowy forms of aliens gather around the man on the table.

ALIEN: Human, you have been selected for experimentation.  You will now be probed.  Do not try to resist.

MAN: Yes.  Just relax and it won't be so uncomfortable.

ALIEN: Yes.  How do you know this?

MAN: I'm a proctologist.

ALIEN: Ah!  So you are aware of the process.

MAN: I'm aware of the irony, yes.

ALIEN: Technically, it is more of an interesting coincidence, not "irony."

MAN: Looks like I've learned something tonight.

ALIEN: We all have learned something.  It is a win/win.  Now, hold still.

CUT.  EXTRERIOR.  SPACE SHIP.  

Man's voice: Whoooo boy!  That's COLD!

Overheard at Table 2: Comedy Sketchbook - The Adventures of Jake and Coco

The Adventures of Jake and Coco

A photo of Jake (Miniature Pinscher) and Coco (Chihuahua/Italian Greyhound mix)

 

Coco: OK, Jake, tell everyone the Spanish I taught you.

Jake [happily]: SOY TONTO!

Coco: And what does that mean?

Jake: I'm a good boy!

Coco: Si, Jake, siiiiii...

Overheard at Table 2: In Future Years ...

I.  Scene: An old man and a young boy around a campfire

Granpa, what was the world like when you were my age?

Well, the world was consumed by two deadly viruses: one destroyed your lungs, and the other destroyed your mind.

But people survived the viruses, right?

Well kid, if we had, we wouldn't be living in this cave, now would we?

II.  Scene: An old man and a young boy around a campfire, in a cave.   Voices can be heard from outside the cave entrance, a short distance below

HEY!  We know yew all 're up there, Libs!  Come on down, now.  Don't make us come up thar 'n gitcha!

Overheard at Table 4: Masochist

COMEDY SKETCHBOOK

[Camera opens on two guys at Table 4 in the Zen & Tao Acoustic Café]

Guy 1: So I get that in real life I got everything, all the advantages: I'm a straight white male, American, Christian.  But I'm also a bit of a masochist, so I needed a place where I can be vilified for being Christian, mistrusted for being male, and dismissed for being white.

Guy 2 So you got on Twitter.

Guy 1: I got on Twitter.

[Screen fades]

Overheard at Table 2: Comedy Sketchbook "Winter Freeze"

Scene: a state governor's office.  A governor, in a wheelchair, surrounded by a few advisors.

Governor: OK, guys, we got this winter freeze coming up on Thursday.  Is the grid ready?

Advisor 1: It's ready as it'll ever be.

Governor: 'Cuz you remember what happened last year?  This state isn't usually prepared for a winter blast.  We got slammed by negative opinion polls.  That's not gonna happen again.

Advisor 2: Not gonna happen.  ERCOT has teams ready.

Governor: Goddammit man, I don't give a shit about ERCOT.  I'm talking the spin doctors.  I'm talking if 10 million homes don't have power, we can blame the windfarms or the providers, and if no one's power goes out, THIS OFFICE can take all the credit.

Advisor 3: Yes, sir.  We got everyone ready to push the message out, minute by minute, as the weather happens ... or doesn't happen.

Governor:  Now THAT's what I wanna hear!  [Governor begins to wheel himself toward a side door].  I'm gonna be in my room.  Someone send in that new intern.  She's 21, right?

Advisor 3: I believe she is, sir.

Governor: You mean you made damn sure she is, right?  Background check?

Advisor 3: Yes, sir.  We verified her age.

Governor: Good.  I don't wanna end up Gaetzed, if you know what I mean.

[Governor leaves the room.  The Advisors look at each other.]

Advisor 1: OK, let's get to work.

[Advisor 2 starts to make a call]

[Scene ends]

Overheard at Table 3: Choices

There's a problem with giving people choices.

What's that?

They always choose wrong.

 

 

Overheard at Booth 1: Attention Span

Scene: A 1970s computer room, replete with rows upon rows of giant computers using tape-loops.

A group of demons, wearing white short-sleeved button-down shirts with pocket protectors, sit around tables with early model monitors, typing away on keyboards, as their boss, Satan, walks into the room.

 

SATAN: OK, boys, you know the goal here is to get the humans' attention span as low as it can go, so they can't ever again see my work in consuming their miserable souls.  SO!  Accounting has given me the latest figures and it looks like our invention of the Television Set has their attention span down to about 30 minutes, but we gotta get those numbers DOWN. Whatcha got?

DEMON 1: We've been working on something called the Internet.  It will connect them all to screens and get them hooked on 24/7 shopping and porn.  That should bring their attention spans down to about 10 minutes.

SATAN: I like it.  But let's go lower.

DEMON 2: I'm thinking when the Internet takes over television, we can make something called "social media," which will let them send short messages back and forth.  That should get their attention span down to under a minute.

SATAN: Loving where you're going with this, guys!  Beautiful.

DEMON 3: Sir, I think I can get it down to under ten seconds.

SATAN: HOLY CRAP!  Ten seconds?  That's wonderful!  How?

DEMON 3: It's called "TikTok."

 

 

 

 

 

Overheard at Table 3: Scenes from Strangefellani Lounge

Guy walks up to the piano player, says, "Hey do you know 'Witchy Woman'?"

Piano player says, "I'm FAMILIAR with it."

[ba-da-bump]

Overheard at Booth 4: Point Counterpoint

Notes for COMEDY SKETCHBOOK

A remake of Point/Counterpoint ... but instead of the punchline of "Jane you ignorant slut," it can be of two women, one black one white, discussing culture and the current cultural movement, and it can end with the white woman saying, "Bye Felicia!" and the black woman replies, "Fuck you, Karen!"








...
[Thanks must be given to @CandaceTX for this idea]

Overheard at Table 2: Comedy Sketchbook - White Privilege and the Wal-Mart Receipt Checker

From COMEDY SKETCHBOOK

[Scene opens: Man on small stage with microphone.  Canned laughter sprinkled throughout the monologue]


"So I was at Wal-Mart the other day, and I'm buying my things at the self-check and I put them into bags and as I'm walking to the door, there's a lady there, Wal-Mart vest, who stops me and says, 'Sir, can I please see your receipt?'

"And I said, 'What?'

"And she says, 'Can I please see your receipt?'

"And I say, 'Why?'

"And she says, 'Cuz it's my job.'

"And I say, 'Well, can my White Privilege be my receipt?  Let's say you just saw my White Privilege.'

"And she said, 'Well, I'm sorry to tell you sir, but your White Privilege has expired.'

"And I lifted my fist in the air and said, 'Damn you, Obama!'"


[Scene closes]

Overread at Table 2: Selection from American Fascist 2019 "Omar vs the Tropes"

In 2019, Representative Ilhan Omar tweeted an incendiary tweet.  Incendiary only because it dared to call Israel's motives into question.

Since the American people have a difficult time distinguishing among Judaism the religion, Jewishness the culture, and Israel the apartheid state, to comment on the government apparently means you want to throw each person with -stein or -berg at the end of their name into a gas oven.

So, during that day, MR wrote a few slight sketches of that might have gone into Comedy Sketchbook ... if MR had a real show.  

Omar vs the Tropes



1.


Omar says, “AIPAC is all about the benjamins!”

Everyone replies, “Jew/Money trope!  Anti-Semite!  Make her apologize!”


2.

Omar says, “Why should I be forced to pledge allegiance to a foreign country to be on the Intelligence Commission?”

Everyone replies, “Dual Loyalty led Jews to concentration camps!  Anti-Semite!  Fire her!”


3.

Omar says, “The best bagels are found in Manhattan.”

Everyone replies, “The New York Jew Trope!  Anti-Semite!  Burn her!”


4.

Omar says, “Maybe Israel should use some restraint against military force in Gaza.”

Everyone replies, “She wants Israel to be wiped off the face the earth!  Anti-Semite!  Kick her back to Somalia!”


5.

Omar says, “Jews killed Jesus Christ, PBUH.”

Everyone replies, “She hates Jews!  Crucify her!”

White Supremacists, “YEAH! Oh … wait … what?  So confused!”



6.

Omar says, “If I knew you were coming I’d’ve baked a cake.”

Everyone replies, “Jews were killed in ovens!  She wants to bake a KIKE!”

https://minnesota.cbslocal.com/2019/02/11/ilhan-omar-twitter-anti-semitism-aipac-its-all-about-the-benjamins/

Overheard at Table 4: from Comedy Sketchbook "Who's Got It Worse"

[scene - black screen - voices only]

1: I'm black.

2: Well, I'm black and Latino

3: Well, I'm black, Latin - X! - and Asian.

4: That's nothing, I'm all those plus I'm autistic.

5: You're lucky!  I'm all that and I've only got one leg.

6: You're lucky to have a leg!  I'm all that plus I was born with NO NOSE!

1: How do you smell?

[All in unison]:  AWFUL!!!

Overread at Table 2: from Comedy Sketchbook "The Holdup"

Scene: Bank in the Wild West.

Enter, Bandit, wearing bandana

Bandit [to banker]: Hands in the air, Mr Johnston, this here is a stick up.

Banker: Clayton?  Is that YOU, boy?

Bandit [looks around furtively]: uhhh... why do you say that?

Banker: Because only you and your sister call me 'Mr Johnston.' Everyone else just calls me 'Butch.'  What are you doing, son, trying to hold up this here bank.

Bandit: Well, times are hard, Mr Johnston.

Banker: If they're that tough, son, I got some wood out back behind my house you can chop up for kindling.  I'll pay you fair day's wage, how about that?

Bandit: OK, sure!  And ... can I borrow your horse when I'm done?  I wanna ride down into Greendale and rob their bank there.

Banker: Well, OK.  But only if you promise to get me and the missus some of those donuts from Betty's Bakery on the edge of town.  Wife likes the ones with extra powder.

Bandit: OK, Mr Johnston.   Thanks!   [heads toward door]

Banker: Butch!

Bandit:  OK, thanks, Butch!  [leaves]

Banker [smiles to himself]:  Kids these days.

[Young lady stands up from behind the counter where Banker is.  She wipes her mouth on her sleeve]:  That was so sweet of you Mr Johnston.

Banker: Please.  Call me 'Butch.'

[scene fades]