Fade is the word he had for it.
He read some poem online once, someone had posted it somewhere,
about Zen meditation needs to be like a shot in the
arm like morphine or heroin, but
he ain't never done heroin or morphine and wouldn't want
to anyway, why would you want to ruin
your body with that shit?
he thinks Carlito does heroin
but like it's some sort of open secret that nobody talks about
but he just wants to fade
can Zen make you fade?
What was the rest of the poem?
Something about breathing, and breath,
and with each breath you take in the Universe and the
Universe breathes you out.
He feels like the universe has breathed him out.
Breathed him out into a world he never chose and
does not know and which is foreign to him,
like this bed is foreign, and these walls are foreign
and that lamp and that laptop and that guitar he
never plays is foreign, all these things
that he's had for years, the things he goes to
sleep with and wakes up to, they
often seem like somebody else's room,
somebody else' life.
Maybe that is what it means to fade.
Maybe this is Zen.
Maybe this is heroin, or morphine,
or how Carlito lives every minute of the day.