2017 Donald Trump State of the Union Address

Read a tweet today form someone asking if we could picture Donald Trump giving a State of the Union address.  Well, I can imagine it and here is what I think it might sound like:

(let me know if you think I'm way far off or if I've hit the nail on the head!)


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Donald Trump’s State of the Union Address 2017

First, I want to thank Scott Baio and Omarosa for opening up this speech for me.  Great guy, really great guy, and Omarosa, too, great lady!  Let’s thank both of them again.  Look I know, I know, you guys usually have a president who just comes on and bores you forever with a bunch of facts about the “state” of the union, but folks, listen . . . you just need to know one simple thing.  The State of the Union is just going to get better.  And better.  And better.  And better. Until we are all saying, “How much better can it get?  I mean, we’re doing so GREAT NOW!”

And that’s what we’re going to be saying.  But right now, look, I’ve only been in this job for a few weeks, OK and already I see what the problems are.  Look folks, this is huge. I mean huge.  We’ve got a lot of problems.  A lot of problems.  And they’re not my problems. I didn’t make them.  But I know the system.  I’ve been in the system.  The system is broken and I’m the only one to fix it, OK?  And it will be fixed, believe me.  The system is not working for a lot of folks, a lot of good folks.  It’s working for the nasty guys, the really nasty guys, and these nasty guys are the guys who want to ship jobs overseas, OK?  They’re shipping jobs overseas.  To Mexico.  Where all the rapists are.  Well not all the rapists, because the rapists are coming here, but that’ll change because we’ll have the wall built by the end of the year, OK?   So here’s the deal we’re going to make with Mexico.  Mexico will pay for the wall.  They will absolutely pay for the wall.  They’re going to send us cash.  They’re gonna throw it over the wall.  In big bags, or something, I dunno.  But they’re gonna pay, OK?  Believe me.

But before they do, you see, they gotta, they gotta be told they have to pay.  And they can’t pay, they can’t get the big bags by the end of this year, when we gotta have the wall built.  So I need Congress, you see, to put up the money up front to build the wall.  And it’ll be a big wall, a beautiful wall, OK? With lots of bricks, the best bricks, well, cement, but you see, since we put up the wall, and here’s the deal, because I make deals, the best deals.  Mexico will pay us what we put in plus 10%, for every day they don’t send those bags of money over. 

And some people have asked, “Donald, what if they don’t throw bags of money over the wall?” and I say, “OK. Sure.  Fine.  Remittances.  We’ll stop remittances.”  The Mexicans, and the other Hispanics, I think they like to be called Central Americans, I dunno.  Something like that.  OK. So, they send billions of dollars each year, like, 34 billion, that’s what someone told me anyway.   We sto those, and there you have it.  Paid for the wall.  It’s done.  Let’s move on.

NAFTA.  Done.  Dead. Over.  Today.  No more NAFTA.  NAFTA’s gone.   NATO too.  As of this moment, we don’t pay another dime to NATO until all the other nations in NATO have matched us dollar-for-dollar what we’ve put in all these years, because let me tellya folks, the other nations, they haven’t been sending their best.  Dollar for dollar.  Not their best.  So, NATO’s gone.  Over.  Final.  OK?

Supreme Court.  The Supreme Court can’t go on with eight justices, we’ve got to get it back to 9, or even 10.  11 would be better, but we’ll start with 9.  My friends, my good friends, at the Heritage Foundation, they gave me a list.  A list of good judges.  Some great guys.  Really great guys.  Smart guys.  They know the law, believe me.  They know the law.  So I’m going to have Mike Pence send the names to Congress tomorrow and you guys choose one.  Just choose one.  Or two or three if you think they’ll get the job done and make some really good deals.  I want a Supreme Court that makes really good deals, because folks, the Supreme Court hasn’t been making very good deals.   I mean, they need to make better deals.  These guys will do that.

Next thing I’m gonna do is get rid of the EPA.  EPA, you’re fired!  You’re FAY-UHHHHDDDD!   Not good for business.  Nasty guys.  Bunch a nasty guys.  They don’t like business.  Bad for business.  Now, done.  Gone.  Fih-NEE-TOH!!   Bye bye!  Bye Bye!

OK, glad we’re having fun.  Are we having fun?  This is a great time.  A great time!  I think we should do this state of the union thing more often!  Like maybe once a year, how about that?  Once a year sound good to you?  OK.

Last thing for this state of the union – look folks, we’re in bad shape.  I mean bad shape.  I said it on the campaign trail and it’s true now that I just took office, we’re in bad shape.  I mean crime in the streets.  People killing our priests in France.   ISIS blowing up our gay Latinos in Orlando.  Syrians shooting our cops in Dallas, I mean, it’s horrible!  Horrible.  So here’s what I’m gonna do.  Every card carrying member of the NRA is now deputized into their local police force!  How’s that for a deal?  That’s a good deal, isn’t it?  Now we have plenty more cops on the force.  We now have 2 million more cops today than we did yesterday!  And guess what?  Whoever joins the NRA, as long as you don’t have a criminal record – you gotta be a good guy, not a bad guy! – whoever joins the NRA gets the same deal.   Joining the NRA gets you deputized into the police force where you live.  How’s THAT for community policing?  Pretty good huh!  Crime just ended today, folks, believe me!

And because I’m tough on crime – and I mean I’m tough.  I’m really, really tough, I want to let my fellow Americans know that right now, at this moment, Wayne LaPierre has sent some of his top guys, I mean his top notch guys, to the Clinton house, where they are right now kicking in the door and dragging Crooked Hillary out by her hair!  Believe me, Crooked Hillary is going to see justice at the point of a gun or the limb of a tree.  And that’s just for starters!  That’s right!  That’s right – we’re going to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN FOLKS, BELIEVE ME!!