Verble says to the Barista "I've got only seven people from Singapore coming into the cafe this month, let's get that number up."
"And exactly how you want me to do that?" asks the Barista.
"What do I know about Singapore?" replies Verble. "Google it."
"Sure," she replies. "Let me see your iPad."
Friday, October 28, 2011
Overheard at Booth 4
A Spouse: You always have to contradict everything I say.
The Other Spouse: No I don't.
The Other Spouse: No I don't.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Overheard at Booth 3: Grass in their A--
Big Man: And my new HR director nearly had a snippit when she heard me tell Louis not to come back in after lunch without some grass on his a--!
Smaller Man: You said what? Troy, now you know you can't say stuff like that!
Troy: 'Course I can! I spent a good $500k on those grounds out there! Making them all nice so that the employees could go out there and eat their lunches just like in a real picnic. They can even take off their shoes and cross their legs like yoga and go OMMMMMM and all that, so that I know they are good and relaxed when they come back into the office with grass on their a--es!
Smaller Man: But seriously, some people might get offended. Foul language, and all that.
Troy: Bill, you know what's foul? Bad attitudes, that's what's foul. And what makes bad attitudes is stress. And stress is not good for business. It wastes the employees' time, it wastes my time, it wastes the company's time. So I read in a real old issue of Men's Health how yoga on grass relieves stress, makes relaxed employees, and relaxed employees can do better work, get better ideas, stay focused longer. So, yeah! I want to make sure that when they come back inside after lunch, that they are relaxed and totally UN-stressed.
Bill: And you know that by the amount of grass on their a--.
Troy: EX-actly!
Smaller Man: You said what? Troy, now you know you can't say stuff like that!
Troy: 'Course I can! I spent a good $500k on those grounds out there! Making them all nice so that the employees could go out there and eat their lunches just like in a real picnic. They can even take off their shoes and cross their legs like yoga and go OMMMMMM and all that, so that I know they are good and relaxed when they come back into the office with grass on their a--es!
Smaller Man: But seriously, some people might get offended. Foul language, and all that.
Troy: Bill, you know what's foul? Bad attitudes, that's what's foul. And what makes bad attitudes is stress. And stress is not good for business. It wastes the employees' time, it wastes my time, it wastes the company's time. So I read in a real old issue of Men's Health how yoga on grass relieves stress, makes relaxed employees, and relaxed employees can do better work, get better ideas, stay focused longer. So, yeah! I want to make sure that when they come back inside after lunch, that they are relaxed and totally UN-stressed.
Bill: And you know that by the amount of grass on their a--.
Troy: EX-actly!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Overheard at Booth 4: Unicorns Glitter and Rainbows
Little Brother: We were drawing in class and I told this girl "Your picture looks like unicorns puking rainbows all over the room!"
Older Sister: You moron! Unicorns don't puke out rainbows. They puke out glitter.
Little Brother: That's exactly what SHE said!
Older Sister: You moron! Unicorns don't puke out rainbows. They puke out glitter.
Little Brother: That's exactly what SHE said!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Mark Twain's The War Prayer
As I study the Holy Bible and try my best to get into a closer walk with Jesus Christ, the more dissatisfied I become. With so many things. Not the least of those things: these wars. These bloody endless wars that we Americans allow to continue and we don't even think about most days. We just let our government take our brothers and sisters and cousins and turn them into killing machines. We make commercials that show a man sending a drone plane to blow up a mountain, and he still makes it home in time for supper.
And our chuches keep telling us to write prayer cards in support of these soldiers that we are allowing to be abused - by our government. And never ONCE a prayer for our enemies, as God Himself commanded us to pray. I tried to find words for these feelings, some way to express it, and by some miracle, I found some human words written over a century ago, by none other than a writer who no American can deny is THE pre-eminent American Man of Letters. None other than Mark Twain, who, in this short passage, spoke not only for his time, for the time before, but was so prescient that he could not have known that he was writing for America of today.
Read on, my friends:
The War Prayer
Dictated by Mark Twain [Samuel Clemens] in 1904 in advance of his death in 1910.
During his writing career, he had criticized perhaps every type of person or institution either living or dead. But this piece was just a little too hot for his family to tolerate. Since they believed the short narrative would be regarded as sacrilege, they urged him not to publish it. However, Sam was to have the last word, and even the word after that. Having directed it to be published after his death, he said,
"I have told the truth in that... and only dead men can tell the truth in this world."
- William H. Huff
The War Prayer
by Mark Twain
It was a time of great exulting and excitement. The country was up in arms, the war was on, in every breast burned the holy fire of patriotism; the drums were beating, the bands playing, the toy pistols popping, the bunched firecrackers hissing and sputtering; on every hand and far down the receding and fading spread of roofs and balconies a fluttering wilderness of flags flashed in the sun; daily the young volunteers marched down the wide avenue gay and fine in their new uniforms, the proud fathers and mothers and sisters and sweethearts cheering them with voices choked with happy emotion as they swung by; nightly the packed mass meetings listened, panting, to patriot oratory which stirred the deepest depths of their hearts, and which they interrupted at briefest intervals with cyclones of applause, the tears running down their cheeks the while; in the churches the pastors preached devotion to flag and country, and invoked the God of Battles, beseeching His aid in our good cause in outpourings of fervid eloquence which moved every listener. It was indeed a glad and gracious time, and the half dozen rash spirits that ventured to disapprove of the war and cast doubt upon its righteousness straight way got such a stern and angry warning that for their personal safety's sake they quickly shrank out of sight and offended no more in that way.
Sunday morning came – next day the battalions would leave for the front; the church was filled; the volunteers were there, their young faces alight with martial dreams – visions of the stern advance, the gathering momentum, the rushing charge, the flashing sabers, the flight of the foe, the tumult, the enveloping smoke, the fierce pursuit, the surrender! – then home from the war, bronzed heroes, welcomed, adored, submerged in golden seas of glory! With the volunteers sat their dear ones, proud, happy, and envied by the neighbors and friends who had no sons and brothers to send forth to the field of honor, there to win for the flag, or failing, die the noblest of noble deaths. The service proceeded; a war chapter from the Old Testament was read; the first prayer was said; it was followed by an organ burst that shook the building, and with one impulse the house rose, with glowing eyes and beating hearts, and poured out that tremendous invocation:
"God the all-terrible! Thou who ordainest, Thunder thy clarion and lightning thy sword!"
Then came the "long" prayer. None could remember the like of it for passionate pleading and moving and beautiful language. The burden of its supplication was, that an ever-merciful and benignant Father of us all would watch over our noble young soldiers, and aid, comfort, and encourage them in their patriotic work; bless them, shield them in the day of battle and the hour of peril, bear them in His mighty hand, make them strong and confident, invincible in the bloody onset; help them to crush the foe, grant to them and to their flag and country imperishable honor and glory –
An aged stranger entered and moved with slow and noiseless step up the main aisle, his eyes fixed upon the minister, his long body clothed in a robe that reached to his feet, his head bare, his white hair descending in a frothy cataract to his shoulders, his seamy face unnaturally pale, pale even to ghastliness. With all eyes following and wondering, he made his silent way; without pausing, he ascended to the preacher's side and stood there, waiting. With shut lids the preacher, unconscious of his presence, continued his moving prayer, and at last finished it with the words, uttered in fervent appeal, "Bless our arms, grant us victory, O Lord our God, Father and Protector of our land and flag!"
The stranger touched his arm, motioned him to step aside – which the startled minister did – and took his place. During some moments he surveyed the spellbound audience with solemn eyes, in which burned an uncanny light; then in a deep voice he said:
"I come from the Throne – bearing a message from Almighty God!"
The words smote the house with a shock; if the stranger perceived it he gave no attention. "He has heard the prayer of His servant your shepherd, and will grant it if such be your desire after I, His messenger, shall have explained to you its import – that is to say, its full import. For it is like unto many of the prayers of men, in that it asks for more than he who utters it is aware of – except he pause and think.
"God's servant and yours has prayed his prayer. Has he paused and taken thought? Is it one prayer? No, it is two – one uttered, the other not. Both have reached the ear of Him Who heareth all supplications, the spoken and the unspoken. Ponder this – keep it in mind. If you would beseech a blessing upon yourself, beware! lest without intent you invoke a curse upon a neighbor at the same time. If you pray for the blessing of rain upon your crop which needs it, by that act you are possibly praying for a curse upon some neighbor's crop which may not need rain and can be injured by it.
"You have heard your servant's prayer – the uttered part of it. I am commissioned of God to put into words the other part of it – that part which the pastor – and also you in your hearts – fervently prayed silently. And ignorantly and unthinkingly? God grant that it was so! You heard these words: 'Grant us victory, O Lord our God!' That is sufficient. The whole of the uttered prayer is compact into those pregnant words. Elaborations were not necessary. When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victory – must follow it, cannot help but follow it. Upon the listening spirit of God the Father fell also the unspoken part of the prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. Listen!
"O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle – be Thou near them! With them – in spirit – we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with hurricanes of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it – for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen."
[After a pause.] "Ye have prayed it; if ye still desire it, speak! The messenger of the Most High waits."
It was believed afterward that the man was a lunatic, because there was no sense in what he said.
******************************
And our chuches keep telling us to write prayer cards in support of these soldiers that we are allowing to be abused - by our government. And never ONCE a prayer for our enemies, as God Himself commanded us to pray. I tried to find words for these feelings, some way to express it, and by some miracle, I found some human words written over a century ago, by none other than a writer who no American can deny is THE pre-eminent American Man of Letters. None other than Mark Twain, who, in this short passage, spoke not only for his time, for the time before, but was so prescient that he could not have known that he was writing for America of today.
Read on, my friends:
The War Prayer
Dictated by Mark Twain [Samuel Clemens] in 1904 in advance of his death in 1910.
During his writing career, he had criticized perhaps every type of person or institution either living or dead. But this piece was just a little too hot for his family to tolerate. Since they believed the short narrative would be regarded as sacrilege, they urged him not to publish it. However, Sam was to have the last word, and even the word after that. Having directed it to be published after his death, he said,
"I have told the truth in that... and only dead men can tell the truth in this world."
- William H. Huff
The War Prayer
by Mark Twain
It was a time of great exulting and excitement. The country was up in arms, the war was on, in every breast burned the holy fire of patriotism; the drums were beating, the bands playing, the toy pistols popping, the bunched firecrackers hissing and sputtering; on every hand and far down the receding and fading spread of roofs and balconies a fluttering wilderness of flags flashed in the sun; daily the young volunteers marched down the wide avenue gay and fine in their new uniforms, the proud fathers and mothers and sisters and sweethearts cheering them with voices choked with happy emotion as they swung by; nightly the packed mass meetings listened, panting, to patriot oratory which stirred the deepest depths of their hearts, and which they interrupted at briefest intervals with cyclones of applause, the tears running down their cheeks the while; in the churches the pastors preached devotion to flag and country, and invoked the God of Battles, beseeching His aid in our good cause in outpourings of fervid eloquence which moved every listener. It was indeed a glad and gracious time, and the half dozen rash spirits that ventured to disapprove of the war and cast doubt upon its righteousness straight way got such a stern and angry warning that for their personal safety's sake they quickly shrank out of sight and offended no more in that way.
Sunday morning came – next day the battalions would leave for the front; the church was filled; the volunteers were there, their young faces alight with martial dreams – visions of the stern advance, the gathering momentum, the rushing charge, the flashing sabers, the flight of the foe, the tumult, the enveloping smoke, the fierce pursuit, the surrender! – then home from the war, bronzed heroes, welcomed, adored, submerged in golden seas of glory! With the volunteers sat their dear ones, proud, happy, and envied by the neighbors and friends who had no sons and brothers to send forth to the field of honor, there to win for the flag, or failing, die the noblest of noble deaths. The service proceeded; a war chapter from the Old Testament was read; the first prayer was said; it was followed by an organ burst that shook the building, and with one impulse the house rose, with glowing eyes and beating hearts, and poured out that tremendous invocation:
"God the all-terrible! Thou who ordainest, Thunder thy clarion and lightning thy sword!"
Then came the "long" prayer. None could remember the like of it for passionate pleading and moving and beautiful language. The burden of its supplication was, that an ever-merciful and benignant Father of us all would watch over our noble young soldiers, and aid, comfort, and encourage them in their patriotic work; bless them, shield them in the day of battle and the hour of peril, bear them in His mighty hand, make them strong and confident, invincible in the bloody onset; help them to crush the foe, grant to them and to their flag and country imperishable honor and glory –
An aged stranger entered and moved with slow and noiseless step up the main aisle, his eyes fixed upon the minister, his long body clothed in a robe that reached to his feet, his head bare, his white hair descending in a frothy cataract to his shoulders, his seamy face unnaturally pale, pale even to ghastliness. With all eyes following and wondering, he made his silent way; without pausing, he ascended to the preacher's side and stood there, waiting. With shut lids the preacher, unconscious of his presence, continued his moving prayer, and at last finished it with the words, uttered in fervent appeal, "Bless our arms, grant us victory, O Lord our God, Father and Protector of our land and flag!"
The stranger touched his arm, motioned him to step aside – which the startled minister did – and took his place. During some moments he surveyed the spellbound audience with solemn eyes, in which burned an uncanny light; then in a deep voice he said:
"I come from the Throne – bearing a message from Almighty God!"
The words smote the house with a shock; if the stranger perceived it he gave no attention. "He has heard the prayer of His servant your shepherd, and will grant it if such be your desire after I, His messenger, shall have explained to you its import – that is to say, its full import. For it is like unto many of the prayers of men, in that it asks for more than he who utters it is aware of – except he pause and think.
"God's servant and yours has prayed his prayer. Has he paused and taken thought? Is it one prayer? No, it is two – one uttered, the other not. Both have reached the ear of Him Who heareth all supplications, the spoken and the unspoken. Ponder this – keep it in mind. If you would beseech a blessing upon yourself, beware! lest without intent you invoke a curse upon a neighbor at the same time. If you pray for the blessing of rain upon your crop which needs it, by that act you are possibly praying for a curse upon some neighbor's crop which may not need rain and can be injured by it.
"You have heard your servant's prayer – the uttered part of it. I am commissioned of God to put into words the other part of it – that part which the pastor – and also you in your hearts – fervently prayed silently. And ignorantly and unthinkingly? God grant that it was so! You heard these words: 'Grant us victory, O Lord our God!' That is sufficient. The whole of the uttered prayer is compact into those pregnant words. Elaborations were not necessary. When you have prayed for victory you have prayed for many unmentioned results which follow victory – must follow it, cannot help but follow it. Upon the listening spirit of God the Father fell also the unspoken part of the prayer. He commandeth me to put it into words. Listen!
"O Lord our Father, our young patriots, idols of our hearts, go forth to battle – be Thou near them! With them – in spirit – we also go forth from the sweet peace of our beloved firesides to smite the foe. O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with hurricanes of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it – for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen."
[After a pause.] "Ye have prayed it; if ye still desire it, speak! The messenger of the Most High waits."
It was believed afterward that the man was a lunatic, because there was no sense in what he said.
******************************
Monday, October 24, 2011
Overheard at Booth 3: Airline Ticket Prices
Man #1: You know I just don't get airline ticket prices. I was trying to look for tickets to bring my mother down here for two weeks, and the prices were varied between $184 and all the way up to six hundred bucks!
Man#2: Was it the date?
Man #1 Well, the date seemed like part of it, sure, but I was thinking it was the weekend, so I tried during some of the weekdays and it was the same price. The only determining factor I could see was that the lowest price came from having her stay longer. It seems that if you just want to get in and out of some place, the price skyrockets. Why is that?
Man #2: I dunno. Maybe they figure that short terms are business trips, and they naturally assume that business trips have more discretionary cash to spend.
Man #1: Or they can just bilk you more. Plus, I also looked at it for the price of if I were to go up there and come back, and it was also at the higher price - no matter if I stayed two days or two weeks! What's that all about? I don't know. I know there's got to be some sort of freakily complicated formula figuring out the top dollar they can get for every seat, but man, at least have some rhyme or reason to it.
Man #2: They can't have that. If they had something that everybody could figure out, then everybody would be flying ONLY on the third Saturday or the fifth Sunday of every month! No other dates.
Man #1: Wouldn't that be freaky cool!
Saturday, October 22, 2011
At the Counter: Verble shows a post that he likes
I just copied this from litingyu.wordpress.com, because it is wonderfully written and I would have loved to have rewritten it into a conversation, but it says everything that needs to be said just as it is.
Thanks to litingyu before he/she/they even knew that I was going to copy&paste this post here.
God’s Dwelling Place
Posted in Uncategorized by litingyu on April 27, 2010
Then the word of the Lord came through the prophet Haggai: “Is it a time for you yourselves to be living in your paneled houses, while this house remains a ruin?”
Now this is what the Lord Almighty says: “Give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it.”
This is what the Lord Almighty says: “Give careful thought to your ways. Go up to the mountains and bring down timber and build the house, so that I may take pleasure and be honored,” say the Lord.
“You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why?” declares the Lord Almighty, “Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house [...]“
Haggai 1:3-9
God purposely frustrates our human efforts to get ahead – school, life, work – because he wants to get our attention, to make us realize we are missing out on life, which is God.
He gets our attention through difficult circumstances. Question: how do you know you can trust in God, until you’re in a situation where you need to make the decision to trust him?
Or in other words, how do you know the strength of your anchor until you’re in a storm ?
Our love (trust and faith) for God must be tested: it’s human nature to try and work our way to comfort and security. God puts trials in our life to get our attention.
The most beautiful part is – He isn’t asking for perfection.
No, he only requires that you put forth your best, even if your best is broken, incomplete, ugly, because your best is a reflection of your current attitude and heart. And God will take pleasure and be honored in what your best has to offer.
Thanks to litingyu before he/she/they even knew that I was going to copy&paste this post here.
God’s Dwelling Place
Posted in Uncategorized by litingyu on April 27, 2010
Then the word of the Lord came through the prophet Haggai: “Is it a time for you yourselves to be living in your paneled houses, while this house remains a ruin?”
Now this is what the Lord Almighty says: “Give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it.”
This is what the Lord Almighty says: “Give careful thought to your ways. Go up to the mountains and bring down timber and build the house, so that I may take pleasure and be honored,” say the Lord.
“You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why?” declares the Lord Almighty, “Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house [...]“
Haggai 1:3-9
God purposely frustrates our human efforts to get ahead – school, life, work – because he wants to get our attention, to make us realize we are missing out on life, which is God.
He gets our attention through difficult circumstances. Question: how do you know you can trust in God, until you’re in a situation where you need to make the decision to trust him?
Or in other words, how do you know the strength of your anchor until you’re in a storm ?
Our love (trust and faith) for God must be tested: it’s human nature to try and work our way to comfort and security. God puts trials in our life to get our attention.
The most beautiful part is – He isn’t asking for perfection.
No, he only requires that you put forth your best, even if your best is broken, incomplete, ugly, because your best is a reflection of your current attitude and heart. And God will take pleasure and be honored in what your best has to offer.
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