Overheard at Table 4: Email from a Castle in the Scottish Highlands - Mad Carnival

EMAIL FROM A CASTLE IN THE SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS

Dear Marj,

Haven't heard back from you, but haven't gotten any notification that your email address is undeliverable, so I'll just follow up with another email because I really want to tell you about the Mad Carnival, which was unbelievable!

Like I said, I hadn't seen much of the local village when I was passing through to come up here, but yes, it is absolutely the quaint village that you'd expect, with the two story buildings made of sand-colored stone as well as greys, with red brick chimneys from every roof top and spires of several churches peeking upward from the middle of them.  Just like something out of a postcard or what you would expect from late Medieval times.   Absolutely beautiful in its charm - although I guess that only we Americans find that charming.  Everybody else here seems to think it's just normal day-to-day run-of-the-mill town, which I suppose for them it is.  

But when you come from a place where buildings made in the 1970s are considered "ancient architecture" and the cities tear down 20 year old buildings to make way for something brand new that will just be torn down again in 20years, having something that's been up since the time Knights roamed the lands, that's amazing!

The Mad Carnival had set up in the town square, a conjunction of about three rows of buildings that meet in what seems to be the geographical center of town, which appears to be a bit of a dip from the hills around it, that become mountains that overlook it.  There is a river that flows nearby, underneath stone bridges that have probably seen invading Vikings as well as English and French and maybe even Roman troops. (I'll need to read more about it)

But as for the Mad Carnival, it was a freakshow on crack! such beautiful crazy characters all around, in steampunk costumes and renfair jumpsuits, top hats and ribbons and bows and skirts and swords and pirate boots and all sorts of delicious insanity.  It reminded me so much of the Halloween Hayrides you and I used to go on in Middleton Falls.

Strange thing happened near sundown. we were walking past the hatchet throwing and the woman on the spinning wheel, and the Ring-the-Bell, and then suddenly this Flame Thrower guy spits fire directly at the Baron!  Must have been an accident, but I kid you not, it seemed like the guy actually turned and shot it directly in his direction.  I just saw these flames going all up and down his arm and it looked like it covered his torso and his face, and then the next second, the Baron is just patting the flames off his coat.  Just patting them out with his hand!  

And the flame thrower guy was all apologies and "beg yer pardon, suh!" and all that, and the Baron was superchill and just said, "Think nothing of it," and walked on, but I'm thinking, "He just got covered in FIRE!"  But we just walked on like nothing happened, except that the Baroness looked back once at the guy and seemed to mutter something under her breath, but I couldn't catch what it was.

And that wasn't the only thing.  Later on, there was this lady who came up to me while I was buying some legs of lamb for the family.  Had to keep asking her to repeat herself because she was speaking low and I couldn't really understand her accent, it was so thick, and finally, I could make out that she was asking me if I really was the butler for the family and I said that yes, I was.  And she said, "Mind yourself in that castle, strange happenings in that place, strange happenings, mind you." and it was the way she said it. "Strange happenings" - making the first word into two syllables and undulating the second word, it really just stuck in my brain, because in a second, she was gone, just as though she had been swallowed up by the crowd.

And when I got back to the rest with the Legs of Lamb, Essex takes one look and bellows out "THIS MEAT IS NOT AS TENDER AS MY MEAT!  THIS MEAT SHOULD BE BEATEN THE WAY I BEAT MY MEAT!" and so I figured the lady had probably heard him when he comes to the village to get supplies and stuff for the kitchen.  Essex, man, gotta love that guy!

But you know, now that I think of it, as we left that night, we walked back past the stall where the fire thrower was, and I didn't see him there, but there was a giant charred spot on the ground, right in the center, and that kinda looked a little strange to me.  Probably nothing, but I looked at the Baroness, Lara, and I saw her looking at the spot, too, and then she smiled, and then she turned those big brown eyes to me, and for a moment, I stopped.  Locked eyes with her, and she smiled, and then it seemed like time slowed down and her lips began to move, as though she was going to say something, 

and then, I don't remember what happened between that time and the time we got back to the house.  Weird.  

But maybe I'd just had a bit too much to drink.  But now, I've gotten all the stuff in from the cars, and everything is put away and I'm finishing up this email to you and then I'll have a few minutes of reading before bed, and tomorrow, I'll be at it again.

Still can't believe that I am a Butler in a Castle.  

Marj, Sis, please please PLEASE write back as soon as you can, let me know that you are still out there.

OK?

Love you!

Philippe

Overheard at Booth 3: Email from a Castle in the Scottish Highlands

 EMAIL FROM A CASTLE IN THE SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS    

My dear Marjorie,
Marj,
Maj,
Vaj,
Yer Vajesty
 
and all those other names I used to call you when we were kids!
 
SIS!
My darling SISTER!  How the hell are you!
 
OK, I know it’s been a while.  A loooong while, and I have to confess that it’s been so long that I’ve lost your phone number.  Don’t even know how I remembered this email address but I hope you still check your email and that I remembered the address correctly (I’ll find out if it gets kicked back as “undeliverable”) – Also, I ditched my phone.  Weird story, I know, like “who does that?” but it was a small price to pay for this new gig I have as a butler in this most incredibly mind-blowingly beautiful castle! 

 

 It belongs to a Baron named Baron Necro Brandeis and his wife Lara.  Answered an ad on a site called wordsfrombehindthemask.com, a guy named PJ hooked me up with them.  A short phone interview and their only request was that I ditch my cell phone and live IN the castle and I was on the next plane to Scotland!

I have to admit, it was a bit weird at first.  Castles are definitely colder than you’d imagine, even with tapestries on the walls.  And I still have to get the hang of the bells in each room.  There’s a series of ringers throughout the castle, and depending on which room you’re in, depends on what bells chime.   That lets me know what room I need to go to in order to see who needs what.

The Baroness is a hoot!  Sometimes I’ll hear the bell and go to whatever room she’s in and she’ll just be lying there on the floor in some skirt and boots – different kind of boots each time, like riding boots, thigh-high boots, go-go boots, and she’ll say things like, “Oh will you help me up, darling!  I seem have fallen.  But first, take a photo and post it to my IG”  (the family are the only ones who have phones).  I know she’s just teasing …

 … and don’t worry Marj!  I’m a lot different now and I don’t get in trouble like I used to!  I learned my lesson from a valet gig I had at the Triple M (Montreal Murderbilia Museum) (but that’s a story for another time!)  Like I said, at 50, I’ve slowed down a bit in that department.  You’d be proud of me!

But not the cook!  Gotta tell you about Essex.  That’s his nickname.  He’s had his name legally changed to Sex Slave, but we all just call him “Essex” for short.  What a guy!  The other night, I was hungry so I went downstairs to make a sandwich, and he comes out and says, “THE SANDWICH WILL TASTE EVEN BETTER WITH MY PENIS IN YOUR MOUTH!” and I’m like “Dude, I only want a sandwich”

… Essex always talks in this HUGE BOMBSTIC voice, it’s hilarious. But he made the BEST sandwich!  Tuna, with little pimentos and this stuff that looked like cilantro. 

Tonight at dinner, he started off the first course with soup, cream of potato, and the Baron commented on the flavor, and Essex says, “YOU ARE SAVOURING THE FLAVOUR OF MY SEMEN!” and without missing a beat, the Baron says, “I can tell that you’re staying hydrated and are eating a lot of lentils.”

The family, they have a daughter and a son, but I don’t see them much around the house.  As far as the other staff, there’s Vasiliya, who likes to dress up as a French maid (even though I think she’s Finnish), and there’s the chauffeur/boatman/groundskeeper named Fionn. 

I’d like to tell you more about them, but I need to go make a list of things to buy from the village.  The Baron has invited all to go down tomorrow for something called the Mad Carnival.  Don’t know exactly what it is (I didn’t get to see much of the village when I came through to take this job two weeks ago), so I don’t know if we will stand out or fit right in.

Like I said, the semi-electricity stuff is weird.  As I said, only the family has phones, but I’ve got a laptop in my room to conduct business, and while there IS electricity here, the lights come on when Lara, the Baroness, speaks aloud one of her poems.  Yes … when she speaks in poems, stuff HAPPENS!

Like I said, so much to tell you, but I really have to make this list:  Essex wants a boatload of stuff from town, stuff like leeks, capers, and even though I’ve heard the term before, I need to find out exactly what the hell are “Ben Wa Balls” (can’t wait to Google THAT!) 😊

OK, Sis, again, I sure hope this is your email address and I hope you write back soon and I hope that everything is OK and that you haven’t buried your fourth husband under a pile of molten rock!  (You know I’m only half-kidding, right?) 😊

 
Until you write me,
Love,
Your little brother,
Philippe

Overheard at Table 2: Defenestration for the Nation!

 Defenestration for the Nation!

Defenestration for the new nation
Release the population from their isolation

Defenestration for the transformation
Fresh configuration for civilization

Defenestration for the new nation
It’s a declaration of our liberation

Defenestration for democratization
Our reclamation of normalization

Heave ‘em out
Heave ‘em out
Heave ‘em out the window

Heave ‘em out
Heave ‘em out
Look at them go!

And we’ll watch them

flyyyyyyyy away
(and we’ll watch them)
flyyy, flyyy away

And we’ll watch them 
diiiiiieee today

and
then we’ll
all
be 
free

MR

2022-1003

Overheard at Booth 3: El Salvador or Out of Doors

She arched her neck to peer around him in the booth.

"What?" he said.

"That man just said, 'El Salvador'!"

"Uhh ... I think he really said, 'They're left out of doors.'"

"Oh," she said.  "Must be thinking about my country. Must be on my mind."

"Told you I found tickets for only $400 in January, we can go then if you want."

"You keep saying  you can't get off work."

"I'll make it work."

"You always say that but then you go and you just complain that you're not at work."

"If I do that next time, then just leave me out of doors."

Overheard at Booth 1: Medicine Train

Heard a song today and this Blues song came into my head.

It's about drug addiction.  It's not that subtle.  But then, while the Blues is metaphorical, it ain't subtle!

MEDICINE TRAIN

One thing I tell you mama 
tell you what we gotta do
One thing I tell you mama
tell you what we gotta do
We gotta get off this Medicine Train
This ain’t good for me or you.

Well this Medicine Train
it’s roaring on down the track
Well this Medicine Train
It’s racing on down the track.
We stay on this train, mama,
You know we ain’t never coming back

When we bought our ticket
Medicine train looked so fine
When we bought two tickets mama
Medicine train looked so fine.
But we getting sicker, mama,
the further we go down that line.

One thing I tell you mama 
tell you what we gotta do
One thing I tell you mama
tell you what we gotta do
We gotta get off this Medicine Train
It’s gonna kill both me and you.

Gotta get off this Medicine Train
Gonna kill me and it’s gonna kill you.

MR

2022-1010

Overheard at Table 4: Little Drummer Boy

Ohmigawd at the ultrasound, this little guy would just not stop kicking!  And turning around and over - he's a dancer.  I mean, he's a SALSA dancer!  The nurse was saying, "Hold still, little guy, I need to get your heartbeat!" and he's just acting like his dad, like he's got his own drum kit in there and he's just drummin' away!

Overheard at Table 2: Not Even Ireland ...

Lucky Moran: I kid you not, once upon a time, we'd go to hotel rooms and hump like bunnies.  Don't know why that, now in our fifties, we go on vacation - a getaway, just the two of us - and all she wants to do is sleep.

Otis Redwing: Maybe you wore her out.  Heh heh,

Lucky: I know when you're being sarcastic, dude.  I'm serious here, this is a serious situation!  She's all like, 'You need to romance me' ... and I'm like, 'Baby!  I took you to IRELAND!  Hotel right on the LAKE!  $500 a night!  and that's not romancing you?'

Otis: You're saying not even in a five-star?

Lucky: Not even in a five-star!  I was all like, 'I'm gonna go get showered' and she's like, 'Fine, but it won't do you any good.  I'm a QUEEN!  Tonight, I don't have to spread my legs for NOBODY if I don't want to and I don't want to!'

Otis: Oh man, I feel for you, I really do.

Lucky: Yeah, so she's asleep in 10 minutes, so I just chugged down everything in the mini-bar.

Otis: Turning a $500 a night into a $650 a night.

Lucky: You got that right.